The Internal Monologue of the SUV Owner

Look at it. Isn't it shiny? It's more than just transportation, you know. It's a point of pride for most drivers. Especially men. We've all heard it said that men view their cars as an extension of their penises. Well, that's just ridiculous. It's not an extension at all--it's a substitute.

But who needs a penis when you have one of these, huh? Huh? Just look at that paint job. No, don't touch it! One scratch costs more than it would take to send your pathetic children to college for four years. Just look and admire. You ARE admiring, aren't you? Good gracious, you'd better be. This is all I have in life. I sacrificed everything for this. I have no children. I had to sell them to Michael Jackson to buy this sucker.

And I need it! I never know when I'll be called on to haul lumber in downtown Chicago. And that 4-wheel drive will come in very handy if I'm ever cross-country mud riding. In downtown Evanston. It will also be very useful if I'm ever moving furniture. Not that I have furniture. I had to choose between furnishing my condo and buying this. But I can use it to haul all my friends around! Except that I have no friends. I neglected them in order to spend more time detailing the car. Not that they can stand me anymore anyway. After I kept yelling at them not to drink their Starbucks in my car, because one spill was worth more than all the blood in their bodies, they went off me--strange, isn't it? Some people are so touchy.

So now, I have to spend all my time amusing myself by wedging into parking spaces that are inappropriately small, then snickering at the people who try to park in the paltry and meager spaces I've left on either side of my house-on-wheels. Then I wait for their doors to merely touch the side of my car as they try to get out, and I roll the windows down and yell at them. Such fun! I feel so important. Good times, good times...

I hope someday, I can coax my SUV into the air. Then I can look down on the streets of Chicago with distain from my perch on the top of the world, where I belong.

And then you can tell everyone that pigs can finally fly...