And I Am Telling You...

(I'd love to give photo credit, but I couldn't find a name on this one. It's from AP.)

Well, come on--you KNEW somebody was going to post this title. It's not very imaginative, so who better than me?

I would just like to say HUZZAH! for our hometown girl, Jennifer Hudson, who walked away with a statue last night for Best Supporting Actress. I've heard a few cracks this morning from people who mentioned the precarious containment of her bosoms inside her dress and all I can say is, Aretha does this all the time--even more egregiously--and nobody says a fucking word. And Jennifer was dressed much more tastefully than that. And the red dress she had on when she and Beyonce were singing "Listen?" Gawjus!

Helen Mirren! The classiest dame in the entire world...I couldn't be happier that she took best actress. I would have been equally happy if it had been Meryl Streep, because I love her, too. It was a tough category.

In the end, the only thing that disappointed me, really, was that "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't win Best Picture. I'm really glad for Martin Scorsese, because he's awesome, but I hate those thuggy, gritty cop movies. And he'd just won for Best Director, which was the real achievement for him personally, anyway. I've not seen "Little Miss Sunshine" all the way through, but what I have seen just makes me like it more and more...Steve Carrell is always amazing, Greg Kinnear is just delicious (I could eat him with a sling--I mean, spoon!) and Toni Collette is a great actress. I've always loved Alan Arkin and that little girl (Abigail Breslin) is just adorable.

Some things I did not enjoy so much were the endless montages: "Let's take a look at America through the lens of the movies of the last 50 years." Let's not. Ennio Morricone's film scores--yeah, we get it: lots of movies. No need to spend 2 minutes on each one. We'd like to get to work tomorrow.

The dancers were quirky and the arrangements clever. The speeches were mostly pretty short (except for Morricone's, which Clint Eastwood had to translate) and sincere. I enjoyed Ellen DeGeneres. I don't care what anyone says, there's no reason she should have to outdo or live up to any previous host. She did what she does best, poke quirky fun at herself and the event and get the crowd on her side, and that's what they paid her to do.

I did NOT enjoy Celine Dion's endless musical number. Why is it, whenever there's a painfully long, drawn-out ballad to be sung, she's always the one to painfully draw it out? Why? Couldn't they just shove hungry mosquitoes in our ears? Even that's less annoying.

Jerry Seinfeld...just stay home. In general. You're not doing anything important anymore, anyway. Actually, you weren't with your show, either, but that at least made money. I don't know what your function is now.

Jack Nicholson--the mugging isn't cute. And lose those goddamn glasses. You look like the hearse driver in "Burnt Offerings."

As far as clothes:

I loved Cameron Diaz's dress! Too bad that hair goes with it...

Diane Keaton actually looked beautiful in her outfit. It was a relief not to see her trying for that "Sonny Bono circa 1965" look she had going last year.

Nicole Kidman's dress almost worked, but what was with that bow? It looked like she had a parrot perched up there that slipped out of its harness.

See? I can be almost as big a twat as Mr. Blackwell!

And I'm ashamed of myself, so I'll go and self-flagellate now like the good (ex)Catholic I am.