It's Baaaaack...Or "Good Advice is Certain to be Ignored. And so is Mine!"

DEAR ABBY: I would like to make my father's final years happy ones. The problem is, Dad is a bigot. He is loud, opinionated and verbally abusive to people. Visiting him is stressful because I know the conversation will, at some point, turn to how terrible a certain person, country or political persuasion is. He is ill-informed yet convinced he is right.

My father is not willing to forgive anyone who has hurt him. He thrives on anger and hate. It saddens me that his last years are rooted in unhappiness and negativity. I don't know how to create lasting, loving memories for Dad or me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

- OUT OF IDEAS

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

My suggestion is likely to land you in prison, but what the hell, here goes:

I don’t know how many “final years” your father has left, but it sounds to me like he’s devoted all his previous ones to making other people miserable. He has now come to what we refer to as his “uppance.” He has no choice but to endure the rest of the ride, so to speak, which rather puts you in the driver’s seat, now, doesn’t it?

So if I were you, I’d forget trying to make him “happy,” since it’s obvious he refuses to be. You should concentrate instead on keeping yourself and everyone else sane. Up his dosage and either keep him catatonic or “accidentally” take him peacefully and mercifully out of the world. Your call.


DEAR ELLIE: My husband has become a cycling nut and he’s gone for hours every weekend. We have a three-year-old, so I’m left at home, when I’d like to have family time since we both work. He says the exercise is vital to his energy level and good spirits.

It’s true that he’s more helpful at home, but only after he eats and has a nap (or he’s exhausted), so that’s more time for me on my own. He’s also more interested in sex, which is fine for him, but I’m tired from being alone with our daughter most of the day.

I’m finding myself whining at him about the biking, the chores, everything. How do I handle this?

- RESENTFUL

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Awwww, look at him being all helpful after he’s had a li’l nappie and num-nums! See? See what a good boy he’s being?! When do you get your nappie, when you’re stuck at home babysitting by yourself while he’s off discovering his inner Lance Armstrong?

Tell him that it’s equally “vital” to his well-being that he make time to pitch in around the house when it suits you, not just him. That solo “Easy Rider” shit ended when he said “I do.”

If he resists, explain exactly what lack of compliance could mean to his newfound sex drive. Hope those cycling magazines have good centerfolds.

MORE ELLIE GOODNESS:

DEAR ELLIE: My neighbour’s lawn is a disaster; she’s a widow so doing all the lawn-care herself may be too much work, or maybe she can’t afford a helper.

I’m a middle-aged man who’s recently separated, but staying in the house as my ex went back to her homeland.

I’m a very good gardener so it bothers me to have an unsightly lawn bordering mine. But is it inappropriate for me, living alone, to approach this woman (attractive, my age) about her lawn, and offer to care for it?

- WONDERING

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yes, it would. Let me guess: you had one of those “mail order brides” that didn’t work out, hence the “ex who went back to her homeland.” And if this neighbor woman wasn’t so “attractive, about your age,” would you be so interested in taking on her lawncare yourself? Or would you just call the city and complain about her yard? Creep.

Here’s a news flash for you, buddy: she’s not going to suddenly swoon at the sight of you mowing her lawn without your shirt on. So you can forget that. If her yard bothers you so damn much, put up a higher fence.


DEAR AMY: Recently, my fiance, "Timothy," and I decided mutually and amicably that we were not right for each other. However, the date of the wedding was looming, and we had arranged and paid for it entirely on our own without assistance from relatives.

We decided to go ahead with the wedding despite our feelings toward each other, but we did not tell our families or friends how we felt because we want to keep our issues private.

A week later, we got the marriage annulled. My uncle, who gave us an expensive breadmaker as a wedding gift, became very irate when we annulled the marriage.

He left long and obscene messages on my phone and on Timothy's phone, saying he wants the breadmaker back. Timothy and I already divided the gifts between us, and he has the breadmaker and does not want to relinquish it.

We feel as though we threw an expensive party for our friends and families and, even though we are not together anymore, we deserve the gifts as reparation.

This is causing a lot of tension in my family. How can I defrost the chilly atmosphere the next time I see my uncle?

- SINGLE AGAIN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Try this: contract a fatal disease, then die. I guarantee that whenever the family gathers again, they’ll have only nice things to say about you. But since you’re no great loss, they’ll quickly rebound. I’ll bet your uncle will even let your former schmuck fiancé keep the breadmaker with no hard feelings.

Oh, by the way, one question: are you seriously this delusional??? Your issues ceased to be “private” when you invited your whole family to watch a fake ceremony. And the fact that you paid for it yourself “without any help from your relatives” does not entitle you to keep gifts given in the good faith that your marriage was a real one, unless you paid for those gifts yourselves, too. Since you didn’t, you should give them back.

Hopefully, you stay single for a long time. If you ever do manage to reel in some sucker decide to tie the knot again, do everyone a favor and elope.


DEAR MISS MANNERS:

Several years ago, I volunteered at an elementary school and became friendly with a mother and son who both taught there. My health has since deteriorated to the point where I am in a wheelchair. I left my volunteer job and the mother and son moved on.

In the eight years since we worked together, the mother has sent me jokes and prayers through e-mail, but seldom a personal message. I have not heard from the son in at least four years. Nothing at all until I received his wedding invitation. I sent my regrets, and a note saying I would send a gift when I was out of the hospital. That day, I was cleared for surgery, and I spent three days in a hospital and four weeks in a rehab facility.

While I was unable to get my e-mail, the mother of the groom sent me four e-mails reminding me to send her son "something to honor his special day." I then received a group e-mail with a few wedding pictures, so everyone she sent it to was able to read her message that I could finally get her son a gift, and how was surgery? I could also see that she had abased another recipient.

I finally wrote her that I'd had enough. They claim to be devout Christians, yet they are hounding me for a gift. I explained that being in a wheelchair, it is difficult to get out, and I was sorry I didn't go shopping.

Then her son took over. He ignored my physical limitations and went on and on about how he gave me two months and I should have had plenty of time to buy him something. I have not heard from the man in four years, and then I receive an invitation to his wedding. Do I owe him a gift?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

They wouldn’t be able to do these awful things to you if you weren’t in that chair! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

To answer your question, no, you do not owe him a gift. Even if you had mentioned getting him one earlier, I think his behavior since your illness has canceled out your obligation.

Furthermore, I wouldn’t respond to the son of a bitch (and I mean that literally) again. You should let the restraining order do the talking for you. These people sound nuts, and you should avoid any contact at all. I'm sure they have other things to keep them busy. After all, Halloween will be here before you know it, and I'm sure they have lots of razor blades to hide in apples or something.