Friday, August 21, 2009

Unwanted Advice (August 21, 2009 "Just When You Thought It Was Safe" Edition)

DEAR MARGO: I'm 12 and getting ready to go back to school. I do not want to hear everyone ranting about their freakin' opinions! I don't want to be mean, but my best friend, let's say "Cassie," is a Hard Core Republican and Hard Core Christian. I'm Christian, too, but I'm willing to accept different ideas into my life (although I am Independent/Green Party).

Like seriously every time I bring up how we'll be moving to a bigger school, Cassie rants about how "they're forcing us to take Evolution." She's also against EVERYTHING to do with gays. I told her to see "Milk" and how they fought for their rights just like everyone else, and she watched the trailer! I asked her what she thought, and she said, "Wow, I've never seen so many **** in one place."

OMG, Margo, I literally didn't talk to her for two months. What I'm basically asking is how can I get Cassie to turn it down a notch. Her attitude toward everything she doesn't like is seriously injuring our friendship. Cassie isn't the only one. Last year people in my class were constantly arguing at the lunch table and recess about how their thoughts are the only right ones.



Hard Core Christian and Hard Core Republican, huh? No wonder she's so threatened by evolution.

You sound like a very smart girl. Sadly, for the next six years (and beyond, if you join a sorority), you’re destined to be surrounded by a vacuum of intelligence.

There’s nothing you can do to dial Cassie down, unfortunately. Just let her say whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Eventually, she’ll spout off to the wrong person and they’ll beat the ever-loving shit out of her.

Do not feel guilty about the secret satisfaction that gives you.

DEAR AMY: I will be getting married to a wonderful man in a few months.

My future mother-in-law never had any problems with me while my fiance and I were dating, but now that we are getting married, she refuses to give her blessing until she meets my family.

My father passed away when I was 8, but my mother is alive. She married a monster when I was 12. He sexually abused me, and my mother turned a blind eye to it and disowned me when I was 16, claiming I seduced him.

My future mother-in-law has stated that she will meet my mother one way or another and things would "go a lot smoother if [I] just cooperated." I do not have a relationship with any of my biological family, and that is a painful reality I have to live with.

My fiance has been unable to convince his mother that it is a bad idea, so I'm at a loss.

I am terrified that seeing my mother again will set me back psychologically.

What can I do?



Well, you might start by finding a new “wonderful man,” because yours doesn’t sound like he has enough balls to stand up to mommy.

The “convincing” phase is over. Once you’ve both explained that it’s a bad idea, it’s time to move on to the “drop it” phase. If that doesn’t work, you may have to proceed to Plan C, which is the “elope, then move to an undisclosed location” phase. (That one’s kind of a last resort.)

(Seriously, you should think twice about marrying into this family. Do you want to spend every Christmas with this bitch?)

DEAR ELLIE: Three years ago our distraught son admitted his older cousin had sexually molested him from childhood through teenage. Therapy ensued.
At 25, he’s bright, successful and joined our family business.

The perpetrator, now 29, also works there and has a history of violence and anger. One day, he threatened to kill my son the next time he did “anything like that again.” There was always a huge size difference. My son wanted to get a police restraining order against his cousin. The therapist advised not to talk to the cousin about the past abuse until he felt ready (we’d previously told his parents).

My husband wanted to fire the cousin. A family meeting was held, the cousin denied the abuse or had no memory of it, and said the uttering of a death threat was only a joke. His father said the earlier incidents were experimentation, not abuse.

This cousin had constantly bullied all my children and was left unchecked by his family. My husband doesn’t want to destroy his close-knit family or the business partnership with his brother. My son might return to work, not directly involved with the cousin. I’m worried about his emotional health down the line.

I’d alienate my husband by not attending family parties any more, yet I want to support my son, who’s starting therapy again.



You’re kidding me, right? Family parties?? If your husband puts so much importance on family unity, after all that’s happened, I think maybe he and this cousin should share a cab to the airport on their way to getting lost.

The cousin’s own family admits that there were sexual episodes between him and your son, whatever they’re calling it. (“Experimentation,” my ass. I’d hate to have him as my lab partner!)

The cousin also doesn’t deny making the threats, but said they were a “joke.” Clearly, they weren’t very funny, or your son would have been laughing at them. That means they were made in earnest.

Threatening another person that way is a felony, and grounds for immediate termination. Fire his ass yesterday. If his father decides to put up a ruckus, tell him if he doesn’t like it, he can buy out your half of the business, immediately, in cash, or shut the fuck up.

The only question left will be: how fast can this cousin pack his things?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 40 years old, and by a series of unfortunate events and three broken engagements in the past two decades, still a single woman. This is not a status that I celebrate.

At weddings, I just dread having to dodge yet another “throwing of the bouquet” tradition, where it seems everyone at the reception thinks it’s fun to shove any single female, including toddlers, out on the dance floor to battle for that “prize.”

At what point do they realize that I don’t want to bring attention to the fact that I’m single? The tragedy and embarrassment of it for me has long outlived the original ceremonial spirit of this youthful custom.


Offhand, I’d say that it stops when you tell people, the next time they try to shove you out there, to keep their fucking mitts off of you if they still want them attached when they leave.

DEAR ABBY: I am very concerned. I recently started seeing a man who refuses to kiss me. He will peck me on the lips or the cheek, but nothing more. I have asked him about it. He claims he has never kissed, and that it actually turns him off. I feel like because of this I can't connect with him on a more intimate level. Is this normal? Please help.



Tell him he doesn’t get a blow job until he kisses you at least once. I guarantee he’ll pucker up right then and there.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I so enjoy your witty repertoire. I couldn't resist telling the girl who has a guy who won't kiss her that I saw him kissing a waiter at Jockstraps and he was using tongue. Thanks Aaron, if ever I needed a laugh it is now. ed

9:10 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Glad to oblige, Ed! I hope you and your family are doing OK (and they aren't driving you crazier than usual--last thing you need right now, I know!) :-)

1:48 PM  

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