Aaron's Rotten Advice-It's Baaaaaaaack....July 16, 2010 Edition
DEAR AMY: It has been seven years since my husband had an affair with another woman.
Although I wanted a divorce for the first couple of years, financial circumstances and family members discouraged me, so I stayed.
The disappointment, anger and sadness have subsided through the years, but somehow the contentment I once had never returned, even though my husband is nicer now. I'm no longer depressed, but fun things such as going out and traveling just don't excite me that much anymore.
Before the affair, I was a happy person and enjoyed life in general. Now I am much more cynical about men and even women. I used to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I realize that just because my husband broke my trust, not everyone is dishonest. But I am still very guarded and reluctant to trust people.
I've forgiven my husband, but I no longer feel the same way about him. I don't love him, but I don't mind living with him because I don't like to live alone. My husband never wanted a divorce, and he's surprised that I still haven't gotten "over" it.
How can I get back that joy I once had? Or is there no hope?
— JOYLESS
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
Sure there is. All you need is a heavy frying pan.
Of course you don’t enjoy traveling. Try it without him and see if that makes a difference.
When you say your husband is “nicer” now, does that mean he keeps his trouser snake in its terrarium? Or is Nag still roaming the jungle in search of every Nagaina who spreads her hood for him?
It’s not surprising that you can’t trust people now—frankly, it’s surprising that he’s surprised. If the only reason for keeping him around is that you don’t like living alone, throw his ass out, go the animal shelter and pick up a cocker spaniel. They’re cheaper to maintain, easier to bathe, and fleas are the worst you can catch from them.
DEAR ABBY: I left my wife for a much younger woman two years ago. Despite what my ex-wife says, it was not a mid-life crisis. I was very unhappy with my wife and our marriage. Our divorce has been final for seven months -- although I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever truly be "final."
My girlfriend, "Nicole," is anxious for us to be married and start building a life together. I'm still overwhelmed from how unbelievably painful the whole divorce process has been, and I can't begin to think about getting married again at the moment.
I have told Nicole that I'm not ready and I need some time. She says I'm "stringing her along," and even though she doesn't want to have kids, she still feels her clock is ticking for finding an acceptable mate. It has reached the point where Nicole says she is going to leave me if I don't commit to marrying her.
What is a reasonable time to expect someone to recover and be emotionally ready to remarry after an extremely bitter divorce? And what do you suggest?
-- STILL HEALING IN WASHINGTON
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
That you go suck an egg. You left your own yard for what you thought was a greener pasture, and seem to have stepped in a big mound of shit—and now you know the secret to good gardening.
What did you think was going to happen when you shacked up with Little Miss Thang? That she’d be content to follow you around forever like a Grateful Dead groupie, with no promise of a ring (except for the one around your bathtub)? In your ‘shroom dreams, Jerry.
As for your question on timing, I’d say one year from the date of the divorce is long enough for your partner to wait. If that’s too soon for you, then maybe you shouldn’t be involved in a relationship and you should set her free to rewind her ticking clock.
DEAR ELLIE: My wife and I are retired, in our early 60s, and we have one son, married, and two adorable grandchildren. Our latest family rift occurred when our son and his wife purchased a home and asked us to co-sign their mortgage. We refused, and this resulted in them not speaking with us and not allowing us to see our grandkids.
Three months ago we communicated with our daughter-in-law to discuss what financial assistance we could provide. She said our refusal to co-sign meant they were out of pocket by some $22,000. When we explained we'd have to borrow or cash in retirement savings in order to help, she became hostile and confrontational.
My son refused to attend this get-together; he said he was waiting to see what we offered. His wife later wrote us, venting that all of their problems for the past 12 years are the result of our not supporting them financially, and that they'll now have to sell their house. They had financial problems maintaining payments on their former home, and we allowed them to live with us for more than a year, expense-free. We also gave them $10,000, and their grandfather, without telling us, gave them $14,000.
Ellie, the hurt of being continually blamed for their financial problems has gone too far. Do you have any suggestions?
--EMOTIONALLY SPENT
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
Yeah, move and change your phone number. You’ve spent way too much money and time on these leeches already.
If these two were old enough to get married, boink and make babies, then they should have been adult enough to plan within their financial means. If they didn’t, it’s their own fault, not yours or the grandfather’s. There’s no such thing as “out of pocket” for a person who takes out a mortgage loan. It always comes “out” of their “pocket,” because it’s their loan. You’ve already been more than generous letting them live with you and giving them as much as you have. For them to expect more is outrageous.
It’s a shame they’re keeping the grandkids away from you, but after all, if they’re raising them, chances are those kids are going to turn into insufferable little monsters before long. Consider yourselves lucky.
DEAR MARGO: I was invited to a Facebook Event a month and a half in advance — 60 guests, a bonfire on a farm, bring your own lawn chair and beverage and a dish to share for a potluck supper. I declined and posted a polite message. A week later, my schedule changed and I wanted to change my RSVP to yes, but the event administrator (a friend?) removed me from the guest list. He now refuses to allow me to attend, stating: "Once you say no, you cannot change your mind." His rule of etiquette. I would be grateful for any advice and your "etiquette opinion," please.
— LADY IN ROCHESTER, MINN.
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
He’s an asshole and his parties probably suck, so you’re not missing anything.
The only fun part would probably be meeting him in person and finding out that he’s 20 years older and eight inches shorter than his photo indicates.
Although I wanted a divorce for the first couple of years, financial circumstances and family members discouraged me, so I stayed.
The disappointment, anger and sadness have subsided through the years, but somehow the contentment I once had never returned, even though my husband is nicer now. I'm no longer depressed, but fun things such as going out and traveling just don't excite me that much anymore.
Before the affair, I was a happy person and enjoyed life in general. Now I am much more cynical about men and even women. I used to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I realize that just because my husband broke my trust, not everyone is dishonest. But I am still very guarded and reluctant to trust people.
I've forgiven my husband, but I no longer feel the same way about him. I don't love him, but I don't mind living with him because I don't like to live alone. My husband never wanted a divorce, and he's surprised that I still haven't gotten "over" it.
How can I get back that joy I once had? Or is there no hope?
— JOYLESS
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
Sure there is. All you need is a heavy frying pan.
Of course you don’t enjoy traveling. Try it without him and see if that makes a difference.
When you say your husband is “nicer” now, does that mean he keeps his trouser snake in its terrarium? Or is Nag still roaming the jungle in search of every Nagaina who spreads her hood for him?
It’s not surprising that you can’t trust people now—frankly, it’s surprising that he’s surprised. If the only reason for keeping him around is that you don’t like living alone, throw his ass out, go the animal shelter and pick up a cocker spaniel. They’re cheaper to maintain, easier to bathe, and fleas are the worst you can catch from them.
DEAR ABBY: I left my wife for a much younger woman two years ago. Despite what my ex-wife says, it was not a mid-life crisis. I was very unhappy with my wife and our marriage. Our divorce has been final for seven months -- although I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever truly be "final."
My girlfriend, "Nicole," is anxious for us to be married and start building a life together. I'm still overwhelmed from how unbelievably painful the whole divorce process has been, and I can't begin to think about getting married again at the moment.
I have told Nicole that I'm not ready and I need some time. She says I'm "stringing her along," and even though she doesn't want to have kids, she still feels her clock is ticking for finding an acceptable mate. It has reached the point where Nicole says she is going to leave me if I don't commit to marrying her.
What is a reasonable time to expect someone to recover and be emotionally ready to remarry after an extremely bitter divorce? And what do you suggest?
-- STILL HEALING IN WASHINGTON
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
That you go suck an egg. You left your own yard for what you thought was a greener pasture, and seem to have stepped in a big mound of shit—and now you know the secret to good gardening.
What did you think was going to happen when you shacked up with Little Miss Thang? That she’d be content to follow you around forever like a Grateful Dead groupie, with no promise of a ring (except for the one around your bathtub)? In your ‘shroom dreams, Jerry.
As for your question on timing, I’d say one year from the date of the divorce is long enough for your partner to wait. If that’s too soon for you, then maybe you shouldn’t be involved in a relationship and you should set her free to rewind her ticking clock.
DEAR ELLIE: My wife and I are retired, in our early 60s, and we have one son, married, and two adorable grandchildren. Our latest family rift occurred when our son and his wife purchased a home and asked us to co-sign their mortgage. We refused, and this resulted in them not speaking with us and not allowing us to see our grandkids.
Three months ago we communicated with our daughter-in-law to discuss what financial assistance we could provide. She said our refusal to co-sign meant they were out of pocket by some $22,000. When we explained we'd have to borrow or cash in retirement savings in order to help, she became hostile and confrontational.
My son refused to attend this get-together; he said he was waiting to see what we offered. His wife later wrote us, venting that all of their problems for the past 12 years are the result of our not supporting them financially, and that they'll now have to sell their house. They had financial problems maintaining payments on their former home, and we allowed them to live with us for more than a year, expense-free. We also gave them $10,000, and their grandfather, without telling us, gave them $14,000.
Ellie, the hurt of being continually blamed for their financial problems has gone too far. Do you have any suggestions?
--EMOTIONALLY SPENT
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
Yeah, move and change your phone number. You’ve spent way too much money and time on these leeches already.
If these two were old enough to get married, boink and make babies, then they should have been adult enough to plan within their financial means. If they didn’t, it’s their own fault, not yours or the grandfather’s. There’s no such thing as “out of pocket” for a person who takes out a mortgage loan. It always comes “out” of their “pocket,” because it’s their loan. You’ve already been more than generous letting them live with you and giving them as much as you have. For them to expect more is outrageous.
It’s a shame they’re keeping the grandkids away from you, but after all, if they’re raising them, chances are those kids are going to turn into insufferable little monsters before long. Consider yourselves lucky.
DEAR MARGO: I was invited to a Facebook Event a month and a half in advance — 60 guests, a bonfire on a farm, bring your own lawn chair and beverage and a dish to share for a potluck supper. I declined and posted a polite message. A week later, my schedule changed and I wanted to change my RSVP to yes, but the event administrator (a friend?) removed me from the guest list. He now refuses to allow me to attend, stating: "Once you say no, you cannot change your mind." His rule of etiquette. I would be grateful for any advice and your "etiquette opinion," please.
— LADY IN ROCHESTER, MINN.
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:
He’s an asshole and his parties probably suck, so you’re not missing anything.
The only fun part would probably be meeting him in person and finding out that he’s 20 years older and eight inches shorter than his photo indicates.
posted by Aaron at 5:20 PM
4 Comments:
Welcome back Aaron. Your wit is as sharp as ever. "...he keeps his trouser snake in its terrarium" priceless.
I wish to be adopted by the retired and very gullible couple.
I'd tell the Lady in Rochester that not attending a bonfire in a cow pasture shows great taste and maybe she could have a real party indoors and invite everybody except farmer John. Ted
No kidding. The whole "no backsies" rule is for kindergartners. If he's trying to convey the image of being rare and exclusive, he might want to think about moving away from the pasture. Pettiness is unbecoming next to nature.
"The only fun part would probably be meeting him in person and finding out that he’s 20 years older and eight inches shorter than his photo indicates."
Which reminds me of Carl's rules of internet dating (or hooking up as it really turns out to be).
Add 10 years to the age, 25 pounds to the weight, subtract 4 inches from the cocksize and you'll rarely be disappointed.
You've written a priceless column well worth the wait.
That must be why I never get dates...if people are following that rule, and they see my (undoctored) photo, and add those mitigating factors, they probably think I'm actually a monster.
Post a Comment
<< Home