Friday, August 25, 2006

Will I Talk to the People I Didn't Talk to Then?

I'm so unmotivated today. I don't want to be here at all, even though not everyone is around, making it quieter than usual, without the usual stupid questions every 15 seconds. I'm tired, too, since I went out last night (even though I was home by 10:30).

I'm only working half day today, because I'm going downstate. This weekend is my 20-year high school reunion. I grew up (from 12 onwards) in a really small town, and our class had 57 kids. We pretty much knew each other, and mostly everyone got along (at least by the time we graduated). It was a small, boring town which even my mother left last year. (She moved back to our old town, which is only 10 miles north, and only slightly larger, but for some reason, less..."rednecky.")

I haven't seen most of these folks since the 10-year reunion, so I have no idea what to expect. I don't look as good as I'd like to, but I wonder how much it matters, since I probably won't see these folks again for another 10 years. I wonder, too, what we'll have to talk about? I can safely say that my life has not been anything like theirs (since, except for one other person, I was the only gay person in class), and I'm not sure how comfortable I am talking about it.

One of the girls here at work said that a lot of times, the people that you never talked to in high school end up being the most fun at the reunions. Frankly, there was nobody I DIDN'T talk to in high school (I was voted "Loudest Senior" after all). And I have a feeling that we're going to end up with about 20 people there, since they couldn't find everyone!

So here I sit, 20 years after high school, most of the dreams I had having come true, but not the way I'd imagined. I wonder if the folks back home are better off having settled in that boring, safe place? I wonder if living in this city (which is giving me nightmares right now) is all that wonderful when you're out on your own? When you have no family or "support network" to really back you up, you understand what "up against the wall" really means!

Maybe this is good. I know I need to do some serious introspection and decide if I want my life to continue on its present course, or if I want to change it entirely and "shake it up." I left my hometown because I didn't want to become boring and "safe." Wouldn't it be ironic if I stayed in my rut just because THAT'S "safe?"

These and other questions will hopefully be answered in the next installment. Stay tuned!


Blogger dirk.mancuso said...

I think whenever we have a job and any modicum of responsibility, we fall into a rut of sorts. It's inevitable.

Ultimately I think it's the nature of the rut and what we gain from it that determines just how boring and safe it is. Some people may think being in a relationship is a rut. Others may find that like walking a tightrope with infinite possibilities.

Meh. What do I know amyway?

9:22 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

I think my job IS a rut, but I think I can find a way to make it not so "rutty," or make it out altogether. I just need some inspiration. I'm sure I'll find it. Eventually!

12:03 AM  

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