Thursday, February 21, 2008

In Which Aaron Answer's Other Advice Columnists' Mail (Redux)

Since I had so much fun with this the last time (and I don't have anything else to write about today), I thought I'd give it another whirl…


DEAR MARGO: I'm a 23-year-old mother of two boys. One night at about 7, I remembered I had to feed my parents' cat while they were away. I told my husband I'd be back in a little while and didn't even bother to put on a coat. I drove to my parents' house, went inside and was accosted by three burglars -- teens would be my guess. They bound me with cords, gagged me with a kitchen towel and dragged me into a closet. When I heard them leave, I began trying to get free, but the knots were way too tight. I'm athletic and in great physical shape, but I could not wriggle loose. The closet was small and dark, and I couldn't stand, so I sat there hoping my husband wouldn't be too long wondering where I was. (We live less than five minutes from my parents' house.) I sat there tied up for over three miserable hours! By the time my husband came and found me, shaking, I was angrier with him than with the little thugs who bound me. He said he was busy working and didn't realize how much time had passed. That was a week ago. He's apologized and brought me flowers and presents every day. I've forgiven him, but we've hardly spoken. Fact is, I'm feeling increasingly embarrassed about having been tied up and am now more upset with my own ineptitude than my husband's failing. I want everything to get back to normal, but I can't seem to come out of this funk. How do I snap out of this?


Margo wasn't fast enough…Aaron says:

Let me get this straight—you got tied up by burglars in your parent's house, but somehow it's your husband's fault for not guessing sooner? And he had to buy you presents and flowers for a week to make up for it?

Where do I apply for your job?

If only you WERE still gagged. Then we wouldn't have to listen to your bitching and moaning. He's nicer than me—if I listened to you spout off constantly, I'd tell you to shut the fuck up and I'd lock the door so I could get some work done. You're angry with yourself? Step in line, sister. You can pick your own damned flowers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an 18-year-old girl. Romantic relationships have never meant much to me. It's fun to have someone to go to art galleries and coffee shops with, and to make out with in my car, but I don't have a need to tie myself down. I have had a lot of nice "flings" during high school, but it was high school, and it's time to move on.

My best friend of 11 years, "Mick," happens to be a boy. We decided in middle school that our relationship would be strictly platonic. Last night, Mick kissed me and told me he is in love with me. I don't feel the same. I'm not physically attracted to him. I tried to be nice and told Mick it would ruin our friendship, but he disagrees.

With any other guy, rejection is easy. But this is my best friend. Mick has low self-esteem when it comes to girls. If I say I'm not attracted to him, it'll hurt his feelings.

I feel stuck and angry. I told Mick the truth about how I felt a long time ago. Do I have to be mean to get my point across? Here's how I honestly feel: I love hanging out with him, but I find him repulsive-looking, and if he kisses me again he's getting slapped. I've never been mad at him before. Can you please help me?


Abby's All Wet. Aaron Has The Answer:

Dear "Assley"

Just how many "nice flings" have you had, O Femme Fatale of the World? Who are you, the Marlena Dietrich of the mall food court? And what is it with teenaged girls and the name "Ashley?" Don't you have any creativity? Or have you pissed it all away "making out in your car?" It's a good thing romantic relationships don't mean anything to you, because you clearly don't deserve to have one. If "Mick" is so repulsive-looking then why do you hang around him? Oh, I get it—it makes you look better by comparison. Except—that—it doesn't. Take another look in the mirror, cupcake. You have an entire future of "Micks" to look forward to. Better start making peace with them now. Incidentally, if you slap one of today's guys, you better be prepared to be slapped back—they believe in equal rights.

Oh, and keep that car clean—you'll probably end up living in it at some point.

Dear Amy: My husband's daughter from his previous marriage, "Kerry," is getting married in two months. Kerry's mother, who walked out on the family, also is remarried. Kerry has asked her dad to walk her down the "aisle," but I am not invited to the wedding.

Because I am not to be included, he has declined. Kerry also has not invited her stepfather. Her father believes this is to justify my not being invited. His ex seems to have a lot of trouble moving on with her life.

I am grateful that my husband is standing on principle, but I am torn. I believe that his daughter should be able to have both parents and their spouses present.

My husband is not happy about this, but he is steadfast in his choice to not attend this wedding without me.

Should I be the "bigger person" and encourage him to go to the wedding alone?

-- Not Sloppy Seconds

Amy's indisposed in the bathroom right now, so let Aaron:

Dear Sloppy: Hell no! He says he won't go without you, and that's the way it ought to stay. He sounds like a real husband. This little bitch sounds like a typical bridezilla—they think the world revolves around them and their stupid weddings. Send them a waffle iron and let the janitor walk her down the aisle.


Whew! I feel absolutely spent! Was it good for you? It was great for me...excuse me while I go have a cigarette...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once more Aaron your answers were right on the mark. The girl who wanted a platonic male friend might want to try and befriend a Gay man. Although, I could almost bet she would try seduce him. If she truly finds this man repulsive perhaps she is barking up the wrong tree. Maybe she likes Tacos? Ed

2:27 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

She sounds like one of those pseudo-urbane/cynical black-wearing teenagers who think they're just too cool for the world. She doesn't deserve tacos. She deserves shriveled up Vienna sausages.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Stephen Rader said...

The next time I get tied up in a closet (which happens at least once a weekend, really), I'm going to blame it on a random stranger and see if I get flowers. I don't have a husband, but I'm hoping some random stranger will feel the same guilt.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Be careful, Stephen--he just might tie you up again! :-)

4:21 PM  
Blogger Johnny C said...

I think you've found your true calling. Loved this!

8:10 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Thanks Johnny! Now, if I can just find an editor who's looking for a bitter columnist...:-)

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Aaron,

Whenever I am tied up and gagged, I'm the one that sends the flowers. And a thank you note. Have I been doing this wrong all these years?

Sincerely yours,


4:45 AM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Dear Dirk,

Yes. You should be getting flowers FROM the guy who tied you up. If you haven't been, then HE'S doing it wrong. I'll explain in more detail next time I see you.

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Aaron,

I look forward to that conversation. Am I expected to bring my own restraints? Obviously I have been doing things wrong...

- Dirk

4:09 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Dear Dirk,

It might be a good idea to bring your restraints, as I have nothing but some yarn that the cat likes to play with. Never fear--we will soon have you sorted out.

5:02 PM  
Blogger BC said...

you're so no-nonsense. Love it!

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