Advice Is Now a Habit - April 11, 2008
Here comes the choo-choo...
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DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of over three years is completing his college degree and is unsure of his priorities; he's wondering whether he wants to be single and career-oriented. Though he says he can't imagine being married or having a family with anyone else, he feels that we need to part ways so that he can find out what he really wants.
We've talked and cried about our impending breakup. Yet I believe letting him take whatever time and space he needs to figure this out is the right thing. We've pledged to stay friends.
I'm aware that his soul-searching may involve dating other women. We've laid out some ground rules, and I'm prepared to deal with it, though not thrilled about it. It leaves me wondering how much influence he should have on any of my decisions about where to live and whether to date.
I worry that if I put my own life on hold while I wait for him, then I'm possibly missing out on other opportunities.
CONFUSED
YOU’LL FIND ELLIE TIED UP NEXT TO THE DUMPSTER OUTSIDE. DON’T WORRY, SHE WASN’T HARMED—JUST CONVENIENTLY “MOVED ASIDE” FOR A BIT. THIS ONE’S MINE:
Oh boy, the “wild oats” syndrome. Boyfriend “just can’t imagine being married or having a family with anyone else,” but wants time to “figure out his direction.” Blah, blah, blah. Trust me, it’s not his “soul” that he’ll be searching. And when you say “we’ve cried and talked about it,” don’t you mean that you’ve cried and he’s looked at the floor sheepishly and just tried to plan a quick escape?
The truth is, he can’t imagine being married or having a family, period. He’s about to get this shiny new degree and is afraid that being tied to one partner will cramp his style as a ladies’ man. Because every young college guy wants to live like the beer commercials say. Well, fine: let him make his way on his own and be single and “career-oriented” as a fresh graduate with no experience. He’ll be glad he lives alone then, since ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese go further for one.
And forget about his approval during thispenis-pumping soul-searching process. Do you think he’s going to call you for advice every time he stumbles home full of Coors and chicken wings on Friday night with some semi-conscious ho’? He’ll be too busy “living the life” to worry about what you’re doing. You’ll be glad he took a powder five years from now when he’s still single and has the clap.
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old twin daughters were very close, considered each other their "best friend" and got along beautifully sharing a room. Disagreements and arguments were rare and nearly always minor.
However, during the last few months, out of the blue, they have begun fighting and arguing frequently. They scream and yell at each other over the pettiest of things. Instead of being constant companions, they no longer want to do anything together.
Now they spend time separately with friends. They are even asking us to get a bigger house so they can have separate rooms. They refuse to share the bathroom in the morning -- which had never been a problem before -- claiming to need privacy from each other. This makes things very difficult during the morning rush because we also have a 15-year-old son who needs to get ready for school.
I am at my wit's end trying to deal with this. I have no idea what caused this sudden rift, and the girls don't seem to understand it either. Please help.
LOUISIANA MOM OF 3
JUST PUT THE SACK FULL OF UNMARKED BILLS IN THE SPOT MARKED “X” AS INSTRUCTED, AND ABBY WILL BE RELEASED SAFELY (WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR). IN THE MEANTIME, I’LL FILL IN:
Hello?!! Two girls—twins, no less—have been putting up with each other constantly for the last 13 years, and you’re wondering why they don’t want to share a room and can’t get along NOW?!
You have a 15-year-old son, and you’ve never heard of “puberty?” A 15-year-old son who’s old enough to get a boner and probably even shave? With something sharp? And you have no clue as to what caused a “sudden rift” between two teenage girls with raging hormones who can’t co-exist in the same cramped room?! And you expect them to SHARE a BATHROOM?!!
I’m not surprised that you’re at your “wit’s end,” since “half” isn’t a very long way to go. Give these kids back—you’re too clueless to raise them.
DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of three years and I are planning to be married this year; he's my first relationship. His previous relationship ended badly, and he hasn't talked to his ex since.
Recently he said he's never had sex, but the two had fondled each other. The details he described sounded pretty much like sex to me. I know it's odd for us to discuss this three years later, but I had to know. Yet it's caused me to have serious breakdowns.
I can't stop thinking about what they did together and I cry for hours. I still want to marry him, but I'm afraid this'll keep coming up after we're married. I know he loves me, but it's not enough. He's given a part of himself to someone else and I can never have it. I'm angry, frustrated and upset, and I can't change anything.
DEPRESSED
ELLIE’S DIVING THROUGH THE DUMPSTER NOW, LOOKING FOR A NEW LAMP. THIS DESERVES A FIRMER TOUCH, ANYWAY:
So your boyfriend maybe had sex before you met. What’s it to ya?
You don’t own his past, Sunshine. That’s a place you can’t go. And you don’t have much right to expect him to be squeaky-clean (he has no right to expect that of you either, BTW). Life is dirty and relationships leave us the most sullied of all, for a variety of reasons, sex being the least of them. I’d worry less about his not being a virgin, and more about his possibly having a simmering, murderous resentment against women that will eventually manifest itself when he skins you to re-upholster a sofa.
Or is the real issue that you’re pissed because he may have had more fun than you did? Cheer up—maybe it sucked! (They are broken up, after all.) And look at it this way: would you really want to give the rest of your life to a guy who’s never been for a “test drive?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor of mine recently delivered an "extra batch" of her fudge that she was making for a bake-off. I was disappointed to discover that the fudge she had made came with walnuts, almonds and peanuts, all of which I am allergic to.
Not wanting it to go to waste, I took it to work, where visitors to my cubicle were happy to help themselves.
When my neighbor saw me the next week, she asked how I enjoyed her fudge. I stated, "Unfortunately, I am allergic to the nuts that were in the fudge, but I'm sure it was spectacular."
She was absolutely horrified by my response and called me "rude and ungrateful."
I'm not quite sure what I did wrong. How could I have better handled this?
FLUSTERED BUT NOT NUTTY
MISS MANNERS MISSED HER TRUE CALLING—AS A HOOKER! WHILE SHE GOES OUT TO FIND IT, LET ME TAKE A WHACK AT THIS “NUT” JOB:
Next time, try this: “The fudge was delicious! Did you pack it yourself??”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
But seriously, it sounds like you have a Clara Edwards on your hands. Remember Clara Edwards? She was Aunt Bee’s friend on “The Andy Griffith Show.” She was SOOOO proud of these pickles she made that won ribbons at the county fair. Pickles, pickles, pickles, that’s all she could talk about. Worship her fucking pickles or beware!
And she went on to be a Satan worshipper in “Rosemary’s Baby.” Take heed.
Some people do not want an honest opinion. They want unqualified praise. Silly old them for asking, I say! If you really wanted to be nice, you could say, “It was very good, although I had to pick around the nuts, because unfortunately I’m allergic.” (Hey, she doesn’t have to know you gave it away—and I bet she’s plenty familiar with nut-picking, too.)
Honestly, though, didn’t it occur to her that people might be allergic to nuts? The whole world is teeming with nut allergies now—it’s the new Bleeding Heart Cause du Jour. Every school in the country has parents lining up, bleating “I’m going to sue you because one of the parents sent peanut brittle—and my son was too stupid not to eat it!” “Step in and protect us, government! Ban the peanuts altogether so my kids don’t have to think!”
We’re all one giant San Francisco now. Where has she had her head buried?
If it’s the same place the fudge came from, be glad you didn’t take any.
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DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of over three years is completing his college degree and is unsure of his priorities; he's wondering whether he wants to be single and career-oriented. Though he says he can't imagine being married or having a family with anyone else, he feels that we need to part ways so that he can find out what he really wants.
We've talked and cried about our impending breakup. Yet I believe letting him take whatever time and space he needs to figure this out is the right thing. We've pledged to stay friends.
I'm aware that his soul-searching may involve dating other women. We've laid out some ground rules, and I'm prepared to deal with it, though not thrilled about it. It leaves me wondering how much influence he should have on any of my decisions about where to live and whether to date.
I worry that if I put my own life on hold while I wait for him, then I'm possibly missing out on other opportunities.
CONFUSED
YOU’LL FIND ELLIE TIED UP NEXT TO THE DUMPSTER OUTSIDE. DON’T WORRY, SHE WASN’T HARMED—JUST CONVENIENTLY “MOVED ASIDE” FOR A BIT. THIS ONE’S MINE:
Oh boy, the “wild oats” syndrome. Boyfriend “just can’t imagine being married or having a family with anyone else,” but wants time to “figure out his direction.” Blah, blah, blah. Trust me, it’s not his “soul” that he’ll be searching. And when you say “we’ve cried and talked about it,” don’t you mean that you’ve cried and he’s looked at the floor sheepishly and just tried to plan a quick escape?
The truth is, he can’t imagine being married or having a family, period. He’s about to get this shiny new degree and is afraid that being tied to one partner will cramp his style as a ladies’ man. Because every young college guy wants to live like the beer commercials say. Well, fine: let him make his way on his own and be single and “career-oriented” as a fresh graduate with no experience. He’ll be glad he lives alone then, since ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese go further for one.
And forget about his approval during this
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old twin daughters were very close, considered each other their "best friend" and got along beautifully sharing a room. Disagreements and arguments were rare and nearly always minor.
However, during the last few months, out of the blue, they have begun fighting and arguing frequently. They scream and yell at each other over the pettiest of things. Instead of being constant companions, they no longer want to do anything together.
Now they spend time separately with friends. They are even asking us to get a bigger house so they can have separate rooms. They refuse to share the bathroom in the morning -- which had never been a problem before -- claiming to need privacy from each other. This makes things very difficult during the morning rush because we also have a 15-year-old son who needs to get ready for school.
I am at my wit's end trying to deal with this. I have no idea what caused this sudden rift, and the girls don't seem to understand it either. Please help.
LOUISIANA MOM OF 3
JUST PUT THE SACK FULL OF UNMARKED BILLS IN THE SPOT MARKED “X” AS INSTRUCTED, AND ABBY WILL BE RELEASED SAFELY (WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR). IN THE MEANTIME, I’LL FILL IN:
Hello?!! Two girls—twins, no less—have been putting up with each other constantly for the last 13 years, and you’re wondering why they don’t want to share a room and can’t get along NOW?!
You have a 15-year-old son, and you’ve never heard of “puberty?” A 15-year-old son who’s old enough to get a boner and probably even shave? With something sharp? And you have no clue as to what caused a “sudden rift” between two teenage girls with raging hormones who can’t co-exist in the same cramped room?! And you expect them to SHARE a BATHROOM?!!
I’m not surprised that you’re at your “wit’s end,” since “half” isn’t a very long way to go. Give these kids back—you’re too clueless to raise them.
DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of three years and I are planning to be married this year; he's my first relationship. His previous relationship ended badly, and he hasn't talked to his ex since.
Recently he said he's never had sex, but the two had fondled each other. The details he described sounded pretty much like sex to me. I know it's odd for us to discuss this three years later, but I had to know. Yet it's caused me to have serious breakdowns.
I can't stop thinking about what they did together and I cry for hours. I still want to marry him, but I'm afraid this'll keep coming up after we're married. I know he loves me, but it's not enough. He's given a part of himself to someone else and I can never have it. I'm angry, frustrated and upset, and I can't change anything.
DEPRESSED
ELLIE’S DIVING THROUGH THE DUMPSTER NOW, LOOKING FOR A NEW LAMP. THIS DESERVES A FIRMER TOUCH, ANYWAY:
So your boyfriend maybe had sex before you met. What’s it to ya?
You don’t own his past, Sunshine. That’s a place you can’t go. And you don’t have much right to expect him to be squeaky-clean (he has no right to expect that of you either, BTW). Life is dirty and relationships leave us the most sullied of all, for a variety of reasons, sex being the least of them. I’d worry less about his not being a virgin, and more about his possibly having a simmering, murderous resentment against women that will eventually manifest itself when he skins you to re-upholster a sofa.
Or is the real issue that you’re pissed because he may have had more fun than you did? Cheer up—maybe it sucked! (They are broken up, after all.) And look at it this way: would you really want to give the rest of your life to a guy who’s never been for a “test drive?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor of mine recently delivered an "extra batch" of her fudge that she was making for a bake-off. I was disappointed to discover that the fudge she had made came with walnuts, almonds and peanuts, all of which I am allergic to.
Not wanting it to go to waste, I took it to work, where visitors to my cubicle were happy to help themselves.
When my neighbor saw me the next week, she asked how I enjoyed her fudge. I stated, "Unfortunately, I am allergic to the nuts that were in the fudge, but I'm sure it was spectacular."
She was absolutely horrified by my response and called me "rude and ungrateful."
I'm not quite sure what I did wrong. How could I have better handled this?
FLUSTERED BUT NOT NUTTY
MISS MANNERS MISSED HER TRUE CALLING—AS A HOOKER! WHILE SHE GOES OUT TO FIND IT, LET ME TAKE A WHACK AT THIS “NUT” JOB:
Next time, try this: “The fudge was delicious! Did you pack it yourself??”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
But seriously, it sounds like you have a Clara Edwards on your hands. Remember Clara Edwards? She was Aunt Bee’s friend on “The Andy Griffith Show.” She was SOOOO proud of these pickles she made that won ribbons at the county fair. Pickles, pickles, pickles, that’s all she could talk about. Worship her fucking pickles or beware!
And she went on to be a Satan worshipper in “Rosemary’s Baby.” Take heed.
Some people do not want an honest opinion. They want unqualified praise. Silly old them for asking, I say! If you really wanted to be nice, you could say, “It was very good, although I had to pick around the nuts, because unfortunately I’m allergic.” (Hey, she doesn’t have to know you gave it away—and I bet she’s plenty familiar with nut-picking, too.)
Honestly, though, didn’t it occur to her that people might be allergic to nuts? The whole world is teeming with nut allergies now—it’s the new Bleeding Heart Cause du Jour. Every school in the country has parents lining up, bleating “I’m going to sue you because one of the parents sent peanut brittle—and my son was too stupid not to eat it!” “Step in and protect us, government! Ban the peanuts altogether so my kids don’t have to think!”
We’re all one giant San Francisco now. Where has she had her head buried?
If it’s the same place the fudge came from, be glad you didn’t take any.
posted by Aaron at 9:59 AM
2 Comments:
Oh Aaron a star is born! You've got to find a publisher for these reality letters.
When I read the story about the twin girls no longer getting along I thought to myself, "It sounds like boy trouble to me".
I too am allergic to peanuts but you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm faking. I am afraid to eat at pitch-in dinners since one lady assured me the cake she brought had no peanuts or peanut oil. As I gasped for breath and was rushed to the hospital she said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were kidding". Later this piece of work kissed me on the mouth because she just knew one kiss and I would turn straight. I was so glad to be transferred out of her department.
It's not my intention to make fun of peanut allergies (well, not MUCH anyway), but more to make fun of the Nanny State that we've turned into...just like that gluten-free bitch from a few weeks ago, WE have to take responsibility for not eating bad stuff (when it's obvious what's in it)--NOT tell people they can't bring it to share with others (it IS OK to make them specify that there are or are not nuts in something, however--that's only fair!)
And your co-worker played a nasty trick on you...you should have baked her some Ex-Lax brownies as a "kiss and make up" gift and not tell HER what's in 'em.
(Yeah, I'm a sonofabitch that way...)
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