Friday, May 02, 2008

Advice Is Now a Habit - May 2, 2008 Edition

Here I am again, folks! Another steaming batch of the past week's advice column dregs. I take only the craziest, most maladjusted inquiries and give them the treatment that the columnists would probably like to (but that the Universal Press Syndicate wouldn't allow). On your marks...get set...


DEAR ELLIE: I'm 23 and have been with my girl for five years. We have three wonderful children but our relationship has been in a downward spiral for two months, since I introduced her to my male co-worker.

He's come over to our house to socially drink a couple of times; they exchanged cell phone numbers and began to text message each other.

I got upset at them both and my girlfriend said she'd stop talking to him. But I found out they were still talking. It turned into a standoff argument between us. Should I continue to let them talk or should I say we cannot be together anymore?



I notice you say “your girl” and not “your wife.” And you have three kids? Is this one of those modern, hippy-dippy-trippy relationships where “a wedding ring is not necessary because we’re married in our hearts” or some such shit?

Too bad the courts don’t see it that way. You’d better spend less time worrying about text messages and more time figuring out your legal rights/obligations regarding these kids. They need a family, not a couple of immature rugrats who play with electronic gadgets and drink beer all the damn time.

Here’s an idea, Moondoggie: marry her and make her legally yours. As it stands now, you might as well have an orgy in a VW bus.

(Besides, if you’re going to refer to your out-of-wedlock relationship, you’re supposed to call her “your old lady,” not “your girl.” Where have you been--squaresville?)

DEAR MARGO: I have a problem and I need advice. I am love struck. I am in love with a woman (she is 18) from work. We get along great, text and talk all the time, take our breaks together, and have great times. My parents love her. We want the same things in life, have the same beliefs (politics, religion) and really like each other in a romantic way. I want to spend the rest of my life with her except for one problem. She is dating a boy (she graduated high school a year ago and he is a senior). I am getting annoyed because there is very little sign of them breaking up anytime soon. I feel like the other man and I don't know what to do. For background information, he is an 18-year-old high-school football player with no job (he quit his last one), has few prospects in life and shows signs of abusive/controlling behavior that worry me. I am a 23-year-old college student with a full-time job, never married, no kids.

So my question is: Should I just wait for her to mature and break up with him, or tell her my feelings and let what happens happen? I am afraid if I wait around for her to pick the better man (me), I will just be torturing myself. So what do you think?



I think you’re an asshole. That’s what I think.

What makes you so damn sure you’re the “better man?” Oh, so you have a better job than an 18-year-old high-schooler? Well, boogity-boogity. Ain’t you just the shit. Flash that blang.

Should I remind you that she’s 18 years old? And while she no doubt appreciates your friendship, she will also evolve and grow into a different person as she gets older and her priorities change. When that happens, she might just lose this “Humbert Humbert” complex, so I hope you haven’t bought a ring yet.

As far as the “signs of abusive/controlling behavior” this boyfriend is supposedly exhibiting, has he actually hit her? Your letter doesn’t make it sound that way, and if by “signs,” you mean he’s just a little mouthy and swaggering, well, that’s what we commonly call “teenage bravado.” He’ll grow out of it when he grows up a little. What’s your excuse?

If she actually does remain her same sweet self, you’ll no doubt bamboozle her into marrying you and producing several self-righteous, no-necked children who take after you, and your mother (who used to just loooooove her) will start to criticize the way she makes biscuits and raises kids. Soon, she’ll be a hard-faced, resentful nag who wonders aloud why you can’t pick up your crusty underwear off the floor. Then you’ll start drinking, moping and wondering what happened to the Sweet Girl You Married. And exhibiting signs of abusive/controlling behavior.

So you see, the football player’s really better off. He’s getting it out of his system now.

DEAR ABBY: I feel fortunate to be writing this. "Blessed" would be a better word. You see, my family could have been planning my husband's and my funeral today.

We were driving on a busy street when another driver raced out of the post office driveway as we were passing. It happened so fast, we couldn't see who it was -- just an object hurtling toward us. Thank God, my husband had sharp enough reflexes to swerve over the double line. Miraculously, no oncoming traffic was approaching. If it had been, we'd have been hit head-on. Had my husband not gotten out of the way, my side of the car would have been hit broadside.

Why in the name of heaven don't people realize that an automobile is a potential weapon? I hope my letter is worth space in your column. Life is fragile. This happened yesterday, and I am ...



Ah! You used your signature as part of a sentence! How very “Golden Age Radio Drama” of you. OK, seriously…you wrote to an advice column about a careless driver? Ever think about calling the cops, dipshit?!? And did it come as a shock to you that people sometimes don’t pay attention behind the wheel? This happens every day where I live, and usually it’s some numb-nuts on a cell phone.

And don’t over-dramatize about the "planning the funeral" thing, for Christ’s sakes…even if he’d hit you, there’s no guarantee that you’d have been killed. You might just have been maimed and crippled.

You see? You have to start thinking positively.

DEAR AMY: I love my daughter and my two grandchildren, but I am extremely appalled by my daughter's choice of hairstyles for my grandchildren. My grandsons, ages 5 and 6, have very Beatles-esque hairdos. I feel as if people assume they are delinquents. When I am in public with them, I feel as if everyone around us is judging me based on their appearance.

I have tried dropping hints to my daughter; this has gotten me nowhere. I'm thinking of secretly taking the boys to the hairdresser.

I am sick of being embarrassed by my family. I do not want to anger my daughter because we've had our issues in the past. I just want respectable grandsons.



Wow, Rose, by any other name, you’re still annoying as hell. You’ve had “issues” with your daughter in the past? Why? Because she refuses to accept your domineering and strident personality and allow you to saddle her sons with an unflattering and ridiculously outdated hairstyle like you once made her wear? Because she doesn’t crawl to you for approval of her every choice now? Because she dares to make decisions that you wouldn’t? Why, that ungrateful scamp.

I got news for you: when people judge you in public, it’s not because of your grandkids’ hair. It’s because they’d like to pull yours. And who can blame them?

I hate to break this to you, but many people LIKE the Beatles-esque hairstyle, and it’s particularly cute on little kids. Don’t worry about what other adults think. When I was a little kid, I had long hair, too, and although it scarred me for life, all the adults thought it was the cutest goddamned thing ever. So if the kids are happy, let them wear their hair the way they want. There’s no reason to force them into a Brylcreemed buzz cut just to satisfy your nostalgia for some 1950s barn dance.

If you take those kids to a barber because you can’t resist butting in, you’ll have one more “issue” with your daughter when she kicks the crap outta you.


DEAR AMY: I am getting married in December, and I am beginning to get my wedding party together.

I have a dilemma. I have two sisters, one of whom is morbidly obese. Not to sound shallow, but if she were a bridesmaid she would take away from my dreams of a "picture perfect" wedding. (I have been planning my wedding since I was 12 years old.)

My mother agrees and suggests that I ask her to be in charge of the guest book. What do you say?



I say just elope, already! You’re a pain in the ass. I don’t mean to say you are shallow, but if your husband steps in you, he won’t even get his big toe wet.

Maybe when you were 12, you should have spent more time doing your schoolwork and less time dreaming about your Barbie® wedding. Then you could have been prepared for a career to earn your own money, and not depended on some man to bring home your bacon.

Oh, and I hope your sister pushes you into your fucking cake, too.


Well, that was fun for me! Hope it was good to you, too...*exhales smoke*

See you next week!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do so look forward to Aaron's Advice for the people who have their head stuck up their ass so far they can taste the Pork&Beans they ate for supper last night.
I especially enjoyed your reply to the 23 year old college student who was annoyed because the 18 year old girl liked a football player better than him.
The guy was a real gem who asked if he should continue to allow his girl to talk to another man. I guess he could make her wear a ball gag if this was only the year 1012 and they lived in Turkey.
The reply to the old hag who hated the fact that her son married a lady with a backbone...Priceless! Ed

12:11 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Thanks Ed! Yeah, I never stop being amazed and amused at the people who write in...imagine having the job of picking just two or three letters a day out of all the rambling, incoherent ones they receive! I'm sure the ones they actually run are heavily edited, too...

12:29 PM  
Blogger American Girl said...

1. It's "babymomma" these days.

2. Nothing says "I'll never amount to anything" more than a high school student without a part-time job. WTF? Why isn't this eligible bachelor not fending off the ladies his own age?

3. Beatle-esque hair-dos? How old is that fucking letter? Her daughter should stick Amy Winehouse beehives on them for their next visit to granny. Sarah

2:42 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

1. Correction noted--you're so right!

2. Because the ones his own age already find him repugnant.

3. When I was little, I wanted an Amy Winehouse wig SO bad! (Although in those days, we called it a "Bobbie Gentry wig.") :-)

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading it again I see that the girl is her daughter and not an in-law. Holy shit! can you imagine how embarrassed her daughter is to go out in public with her. God, I hope she gives those boys a Mohawk and sends them to church with grandma. Ed

3:44 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

I hope she just gives GRANDMA a mohawk...I'm sure it would just be an improvement!

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I hope your sister punched you in your fucking cake!"


4:38 PM  

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