Death Tattoos, Tacky Wedding Presents and More Unwanted Advice From Aaron (4/17/09)

DEAR ABBY: My older brother moved from the East Coast to Wyoming 20 years ago, which put him in a different time zone -- two hours behind me. He died in June of last year.

I am planning to get a tattoo memorializing the date and time of my brother's passing, but have reached a dilemma. My brother died June 12 at 11 p.m. in Wyoming, but it was 1 a.m. June 13 here in Connecticut.

Which date should I use? I have asked friends who say I should go with what feels right to me, but others have told me to use the date on his death certificate. Which is correct?

-- DAY LATE AND TWO HOURS SHORT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

First, can I mention how creepy this whole thing sounds?

OK, now that’s passed.

Since you insist on putting your brother’s date and time of death indelibly on your skin—with needles—that will hurt—you should make it the date and time of his death, which happened in Wyoming. Therefore, you should use the 11 p.m. time.


DEAR ELLIE: I was seeing this woman for five months and everything was perfect. However, her new job has taken her away, and we haven't seen each other for five weeks. This "dream job" (her words) will take her to the north and then possibly to Europe. She wants me to follow and I desperately want to, but I own a small business and my children live in this area with their mother. Should I follow her?

Lately I've been going through difficult times missing her yet wondering if I follow her, will I be able to see my kids. I love her very much and I know she loves me although she's unwilling to make any concessions so it'll be me doing all the sacrificing. Do I hope we can re-establish the magic we had before she went off on her adventure or do I call it quits with her? She seems to be OK with it either way.

--GOING CRAZY

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Ultimately, the choice is yours, but let me put it this way: do you really want to give up your business and your relationship with your kids (who should be the most important things in your life right now) to pursue some tepid "magic" with someone who you admit doesn’t really care if you’re around or not, and who’s unwilling to make any sacrifices to keep you?

I’ll let you think about it for a while.



DEAR AMY: After a meal in a local restaurant I discovered to my horror that I had been given a "senior discount."

Thinking I might have been given someone else's bill, I called this to the attention of my waitress.

She looked at me quizzically and said, "Oh, we give these to anyone we think might be over 60."

Amy, I am 50-ish, and have always believed myself to be reasonably youthful in demeanor and appearance.

How should I have handled this? (I got angry, went home and cried, and was depressed for days afterward.)

— VINTAGE, NOT ANTIQUE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Well, I can safely say “not like that.”

Next time, ask her when her baby’s due. (Don’t ask me to explain—just do it.)


DEAR MARGO: I am 23 years old with two small children. My husband and I have been together for five years. He works out of town most of the week and our time together isn’t exactly romantic. Real life is bills and stress, so the loving relationship I want us to have goes out the window. An old romance contacted me and we started talking. Each day that we talked, more and more was discussed. Eventually we both acknowledged our feelings and said "I love you" to each other. It was long distance so there was nothing physical. It was merely a phone relationship. Then he called it off in a rather mean and hurtful way, saying cruel things about a very confused message I sent him. I am feeling heartbroken and guilty. I have a great husband, yet this person invades my thoughts. Should I forget the past and let go?

--FIXATED

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yep. This old flame is clearly a creep who was stringing you along until he was tired of you, then used that “confusing message” excuse to break it off roughly.

You married young, and probably weren’t ready for the heavy dose of reality that come pouring in. It doesn’t sound like an ideal situation, but it doesn’t sound all that uncommon, either, and others have made these arrangements work.

Talk it over with your husband and see if there’s any chance he can be put in a position that requires less traveling (at least trying will show that he puts value on the relationship) so that you can spend relaxing time together when you’re not busy constantly dealing with problems. This will make the time less stressful and you won’t associate your time together with whacking moles. (Unless that’s what gets you both going. To each his own, I say.)


DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brand-new husband and I eloped late last year due to the financial cost of having a wedding. We sent out announcements to both of our extended families to notify them of our happy news, and received a most horrid gift in return: my husband's aunt and uncle had co-written a book on marital infidelity and sent it along with a card inviting us to attend (and pay for) one of their weekend seminars. They even went so far as to autograph the inside cover.

My husband and I have never had so much as a heated argument, much less an affair on either side. We're both offended and positive this was an act of self-promotion. Our question is, do we write a thank-you note for an offensive gift? Thank you for your insight.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

No, you just return the card declining to attend the seminar. If you feel the gift was offensive (and it was certainly thoughtless, at best), then no further explanation should be necessary.