Friday, July 23, 2010

Aaron's Rotten Advice: July 23, 2010 ("Because It's Been A Helluva Week and I'm Ready to Spray Some Bitchy") Edition

DEAR AMY: I'm wondering how to handle a situation with my mother and stepfather. After a barrage of complaints by my mother about my father's infidelity during the marriage, my stepfather said, "The best thing that ever happened to your mother was when her first husband died."

My father died more than 55 years ago, leaving my mother and four young children in near poverty.

I thought this was thoughtless, and I let them know. My mother knows my siblings and I loved our father dearly. Hardly a day goes by without my still thinking of him.

I don't plan to ever see my mother and stepfather again. This is the straw that broke the camel's back!

They didn't apologize and seemed to feel we were parting with no hard feelings.

Would it be anticlimactic if I wrote and let them know why I won't see them again?



Yes, in a way it would. You have to strike while the iron is hot.

For example, when he said your father’s death was the best thing that ever happened to your mother, you should have looked him stone-cold in the eye and said, “And your dying will be the next best thing.”

Although if she’s still bitching about your dad after 55 years, she’s probably a harpy of a wife and makes your stepfather’s life hell. Death might be the best thing to happen to him, too.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in college, I dated "Alex." Three months later, I found out he had a steady girlfriend, "Jane." During the next two years, Alex continued to cheat on Jane with me because Jane wouldn't have sex with him. I finally told her what had been going on, and I ended the relationship with Alex.

Ten years have passed, and I hear they are being married. Do you see anything wrong with that?



So let’s get this straight: you discovered “Alex” had a girlfriend three months into your liaison dangereaux, but you continued bumping nasties with him for another two years??

Die, harlot!!

But seriously—if “Jane” is crazy enough to marry him after he’s dipped his wick in so many waxpots (and don’t kid yourself that you were the only one), then she’ll get what she deserves for her stupidity. Let’s just hope it isn’t something contagious or disfiguring.

DEAR ELLIE: My wife had a six-month affair; when I found out, it almost physically and mentally destroyed me. Three years out, we're reconciled. However, every one of her friends who were aware of her affair was somehow complicit in her activities, and has been cut from both our lives.

They were not friends of our marriage. I'll never again speak to anyone who knew me and acted normally with me, while fully knowing my wife was rutting with another man.

However, the one person to whom we'll both be eternally grateful is her one lifelong friend who forced her to confess, as soon as that friend learned of the affair: "Either you tell him, or I will - you've got 24 hours." We both cherish this person, the only one who helped save our marriage.

Don't underestimate the total devastation that an affair causes to most betrayed spouses. Many adulterous spouses - though not all - are horrified themselves by their behaviour once it's exposed and time has passed. Though my father had had an affair, I never really understood what my mother went through, until it happened to me.

I thought my experience was unique and horrible until I read the stories and advice of thousands of others having gone through the same trauma, through



Oh, go screw yourself. Look, I’m sorry that you experienced the sting of infidelity, and I don’t take such things lightly, but quite honestly, from the rest of your letter, you sound like a self-righteous drama queen.

Frankly, it shouldn’t have been up to your friends to spill the beans on your wife. If they were friends of both of you, did you really expect them to choose one over the other? Get real. Besides, there are all kinds of clues to infidelity—you were probably just not smart enough to pick up on them. You said your father had an affair—did you learn nothing from his actions? It’s hardly your friends’ fault if you’re thick as a concrete dam.

In the end, you probably did them a favor by cutting them off. God knows what sort of high drama you and your wife trail around in public these days, with her perpetual shame and your perpetual martyrdom (you don’t sound like the type who’d keep your dirty laundry in a closed hamper). I’d be embarrassed to associate with it.

And seriously, "rutting?" Who says that anymore? This ain't "Masterpiece Theatre." Save your eloquence for the Infidelity Victims' Message Board. There must be a “stigmata” application somewhere on that site.

DEAR MARGO: I think my husband is addicted to porn. We recently visited Las Vegas and had a fairly good time, even though he lost all the cash we had at the slot machines. But that's a different letter. While there, we were going to see a show but couldn't agree on which one. I wanted to see one of the highly recommended shows like Cirque du Soleil, but he wanted to see one of the erotic nude shows.

I am not interested in seeing any type of show with naked people in it. I don't know why he thinks I would find that enjoyable, when I could be seeing "The Phantom of the Opera" or something good. He says next time we go to Vegas, we will each pick a show and then go see the other's show with them. Should I agree and then, when the show makes my stomach hurt, excuse myself to go to the restroom and not come back? I don't want to see other men naked. And all I think about is that our daughter is 19 and how would I feel if she were baring her body for hundreds of men?



You’re not a prude, just a dipshit. Not because you don’t want to see a nudie show—they certainly aren’t for everybody, and I don’t want to watch one either. But it’s not your 19-year-old daughter baring her body for all and sundry—you’ve probably got that poor girl in a chastity belt. And why assume your husband is “addicted to porn” because he wants to see a live erotic show with you?

Let me explain something to you: “porn” is something visually titillating (but usually with little other redeeming value) that guys tend to buy on the sly, either in “adult” bookstores or on the Internet with a credit card. Once they’ve bought it, they usually prefer to —er—“consume” it in private, not with their spouses. The fact that he wants to see this show with you does not indicate that he’s a porn “addict.” It’s more an indication that he wants to see something exotic and erotic in person that he can’t see with you in your hometown of Cornpad, Illinois.

And you sound like a sneaky little witch, too, with that restroom thing. If you don’t want to see the show with him, have enough spine to just tell him so, and leave it at that. If he wants to watch it anyway, you can go see Cirque de Soleil or “Mamma Mia,” or some other boring piece of crowd-pleasing shit, and he can go watch “Thanks for the Mammaries” or whatever it’s called. Whatever you do, I’m sure you’ll bore your friends to tears with the pictures and stories when you come home (they’ll probably prefer to listen to his).


I'm afraid I often encourage nimrods who are ranting (parroting) hate radio. I'm one of the few people in existence who actually listens when others talk. And when listening, one occasionally grunts "Uh huh" to show we're still there.

Unfortunately, "Uh huh" can convey both "I hear you" and "I agree." I certainly don't agree, but I wonder if there's some other noise one can make that simply registers, "I heard." Perhaps you can suggest some noise. One that's even shaded toward, "For the love of God, have you listened to yourself?" "You're spouting blither, you fool!" would be even better.

Occasionally, I get irked that I'm used as a sounding board, since what's transpiring is in no way a "conversation," but that's another topic. Who said, "A bore deprives you of solitude while denying you company"?



I don’t know, but I suspect they were talking about you. (If you want to know why people don’t listen, just record yourself sometime and play it back.)

You’re way overthinking this. If you really want to appear polite to boorish people (and I can’t imagine why you would), then just a single-syllable grunt will suffice: “Mm.”

From the sound of these folks, I don’t imagine they can comprehend words more than one syllable anyway.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great advice. I hope your weekend is better and next week more heavenly. I don't have a/c so my house is a sauna. I dare not complain about the heat as I still can hear my Dad say, "I know a hotter place". later, Ted

12:39 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Your dad sounds like a real picnic. Tell him to save a deviled egg for me.

Stay cool!!

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My dad passed away last August. My mom has central air but can't afford to use it. Dad thought he had some money invested for mom to use but Met Life put it in the stock market and now say most of it is gone. Ted

7:10 PM  

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