Friday, October 03, 2008

Since You Asked--Oct. 3, 2008

It's been kind of a busy week, with traveling and then trying to get caught up at work and uploading I didn't have as much time to trawl the advice columns for the choicest (most idiotic) questions. But a schedule's a schedule, so here's today's paltry offering. Enjoy!


DEAR ABBY: My ex and I have been dating since our divorce in 2000, trying to put things back together. But every six months or so, he comes to my house drunk and raises Cain in front of the kids.

He never says he's sorry for anything he does or says, and it causes fights that could be avoided if he just would not drink. If he could only see how it makes him act! He does not drink all the time. But when he does, he passes out on my couch.

I have told him time and time again not to come to the house if he has been drinking. If I try to make him leave, he does more in front of the kids, and he has been known to hit. How can I make it clear to him I have had enough? I love him, but I'm very tired of this every-six-months thing. I have called the law before. That just makes matters worse.

Should I get away from him altogether? I want my family back together so badly. I have prayed about this for a long time. I have tried talking to him –- nothing works. Please give me some advice. –



Are you fucking kidding me?? You’ve been divorced for eight years, and NOW you’re dating? You got it backwards, girlfriend.

Let’s recap here—he’s come to your house drunk repeatedly, and he’s hit you (I’m assuming it’s you that he’s “been known to hit”—if it was the kids, and you still allow him to come over, you’re even dumber than you sound). What exactly do you need advice about??

Sadly, the law can provide very limited remedy in domestic cases—the best they can offer is that legal eunuch called a restraining order, which does absolutely nothing to deter redneck psychos. You could possibly have his sorry ass busted for trespassing. But the way to make it really “clear that you’ve had enough” is to lock your door and stop allowing him in. Then when he passes out, he’ll already be outside, and you can just hose him down in the morning.

DEAR AMY: My live-in girlfriend of two years dumped me a couple of weeks ago, saying that she had never loved me.

Since the breakup I haven't been doing well. We had two cats, one that I had adopted and one that we adopted together. I finally found an apartment. I had been under the impression that I would be taking both cats.

The two cats are very close, and I've always been the primary caretaker for them. I have been the one who cleaned the litter box and took them to the vet.

When I went to the apartment to pack, my ex told me that she wouldn't let me take both cats.

She told me that if I took our cat she would feel bitter toward me and that we would never be able to have a relationship of any sort.

I was furious and upset. I cried and screamed, and my anger really scared me.

To be honest, I am still in love with her, and I don't want to do anything that I know will cause me to lose her forever.

But I'm also horrified at giving up my cat, and horrified to think of my other cat crying all day and all night and refusing to eat, the way he did the only other time I separated them and took him to a new place.

Now I'm incredibly sad and lonely.

It seems like a lot to lose. Should I give up? And how can I deal with my anger, frustration and sense of loss when I do?



Of course she wants to keep it—she got the easy, cuddly-wuddly part while you were up to your elbows in piss, shit, gravel and sand. If I were you, I’d just bide my time. She sounds like a fucking flake who wouldn’t know her ass from her elbow when it comes to caring for cats, and weren’t you the one who did it anyway?

Trust me on this—people who’ve never had to clean a litter box don’t take kindly to it when they’re stuck with it for good. Once she realizes that she’s on the hook all by her lonesome, she’ll probably give the cat to you and you can have both.

(I would ask why you’re still in love with her, but it’s only been a few weeks—once her stink wears off, you’ll be glad you’re rid of her. Like so much cat shit.)

DEAR ELLIE: My mother-in-law is 55 and obese. Her boyfriend, 65, is strange and never had a girlfriend before. He won't answer his door or phone unless it's anticipated, won't drive his own car and is extremely cheap. He wouldn't drive 10 miles for her surprise birthday party.

She yells at him in public because he won't leave a tip. Also she belittles him at family functions.

No one in the family cares for him. Now they're engaged, even though she says that seeing him on Saturdays is enough. I don't get this lady. She'll never find another man because of her weight and personality, but why drag us through her misery? I don't want my kids to see this behavior and think it's normal.



What makes you so sure “she’ll never find another man?” She found this one, didn’t she? There’s someone for everyone, even if they don’t pass your muster, Bert Parks, Jr.

That aside, you don’t really have any business passing judgment on your MIL or her relationships. Your snap judgment about her “prospects” shows that you hardly have a winning personality yourself, so maybe you should keep your lip zipped, Skippy. If you don’t want your kids to think her behavior is normal, then you can set a better example for them in your own home (or can you?). Likewise, you can limit their contact with her and this man if their behavior is inappropriate.

As far as the boyfriend goes, that’s her decision to make, not yours. (Or are you just worried that her taste in men might have been hereditary, and wonder what this says about your wife’s decision to marry you?)

DEAR MARGO: I am a 40-year-old man who has been in and out of therapy since seventh grade. I was even admitted into psychiatric care on two separate occasions by my attending physician. Over the years, I have lived life recklessly and have done many things I'm not proud of -- even some illegal activities.

But for the past four years, with two therapists, I have made great strides in my life and feel as if I am really coming into my own. So here's the catch: I've met the umpteenth "most wonderful woman in the world." This time, though, I feel I really, truly have the tools to make it happen -- "it" being a fun, love-filled, committed relationship for the rest of our lives. Or so I thought until I slipped up this weekend while driving through the old neighborhood and reconnecting with one of my lady-of-the-night friends. Mind you, that particular temptation always haunts me, but I'd been able to tell that inclination to take a hike for quite a while, but this weekend I slipped. I honestly don't feel guilty about it as this wonderful woman and I have yet to become intimate.

I am certain that once I am in full “relationship mode” I won’t have that problem anymore. I want to be in love, have a home and be a loving family man. I’m just terrified of giving in to the groin again. How do I fix that? It’s not a sexual addiction, I believe, because I am functioning and paying my bills and all of that, and my porn collection doesn’t get as much use as it used to – though, I constantly add to it. I’m a collector by nature. So what is it?



"Oh, I'm a tomcat, but I can't help myself--I'm an addict. I can't keep my pecker in my pants--but it's not my fault. I have a sickness. Boo hoo hoo."

Nice work if you can get it. If you want to be a "loving family man," you're just going to have to act like one--do the hard work of living day by day without expecting some magic fix for your compulsions. You have to resist and endure temptation just as we all do, no matter how many therapists you drag into the fray, and when you fall off the wagon, you accept the consequences without passing the buck to some "mental disorder."

And if you want to "collect" something, try stamps.


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