The NERVE of Some People! (Unwanted Advice, May 22, 2009)

DEAR ABBY: It's traditional in my family to celebrate birthdays with other family members. This may seem trivial, but I have an issue with the cake. Ever since I was a child, my mom has made a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for my birthday. The problem is, I don't like chocolate!

I have told this to Mom since I was a kid, but my comments seem to have been forgotten by the time the next birthday rolls around. Now that I'm older, I'm wondering if it's better to be gracious about it and just let it go. I never eat any of it and haven't in more than a decade, but nobody seems to notice.

I find it somewhat annoying to be served a birthday cake I don't even like. I try to put in perspective that it's a gift and I should be gracious for receiving it -- but it gets old. Any suggestions?

-- VANILLA FELLA, COLUMBIA, MO.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yeah—stop whining, you spoiled little bastard. "Trivial" doesn't begin to describe you. If you still have a living mother who’s willing to bake you a birthday cake every year, you just go ahead and eat it—I don’t care if it’s manure-flavored! Do you understand me??!! And you better smile while you’re doing it!

Lots of us would gladly give our testicles for one more second eating saltines with our mothers. You have it easy, fuckface.


DEAR ELLIE: I need a good shake, because I can see what I should do, but am incapable of doing it.

I’ve been married to a good man for several years. We have our issues, but care very much for each other. He’s been very willing to attend couples counseling, and take professional advice. But I’ve been in love with another man for a year. He’s a friend who moved far away six months ago, though we’re constantly in touch. I can’t seem to get over my feelings for him, though I know I should cut contact and concentrate on my marriage.

My husband and I tried a separation for several months, to get our heads clear, but it hasn’t helped me - I want to feel more than just obligated to him. And I want not to be in love with my friend, who knows about my feelings. He doesn’t discourage them, but he’s not inviting me to where he is either.
What should I do?

-- TORN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Try slapping yourself, since shaking didn’t seem to work. If you know what you need to do, then just do it and stop fluttering around like a divan-collapsing diva. If your husband is such a good man, he deserves at least the effort of fixing the relationship. And quit contacting this “friend”—by “not discouraging you, yet not inviting you,” he’s playing a coy little game stringing you along. That doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me, and you shouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for it.

If you and your husband find during the course of your counseling that your marriage can’t work, well then, he can at least be free to find someone else himself. (The drama isn’t all just about you, Erica Kane.)



DEAR MARGO: I have been divorced from my first husband, "Lionel," for 13 years. He was an abusive alcoholic who (thankfully) skipped the state eight years ago to avoid paying child support for our children, "Eloise," now 21, and "Laura," 18. At last count, Lionel owes more than $60,000 in back child support and only recently re-established contact with the girls. Laura is graduating high school this year and asked her father to attend the ceremony. He said he couldn’t because he didn’t want to drive 500 miles over Memorial Day weekend, but that he would attend her celebration party three weeks later.

My current husband is furious. He’s been a big part of the girls’ lives for 10 years, and together we’ve raised two healthy, well-adjusted young ladies. He absolutely doesn’t want Lionel at the party, and frankly, neither do I — he’s extremely rude, obnoxious and inappropriate even while sober. We didn’t have any objections to her father attending the ceremony, but he is not welcome in our home. I have told him he is not to attend the party, but he states he’s going to do what he wants. If he shows up, my husband would like to have him arrested, since he has several outstanding warrants in our state. That would only hurt Laura. I’d like to try to keep the peace and encourage Lionel to leave quickly, but my normally easygoing husband is being stubborn. We’re arguing about this lout every day, and I’m at a loss on how to handle this situation.

— STRESSED OUT IN A SMALL TOWN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Conventional wisdom would be to grit your teeth and put up with this skidmark just for one night for your daughter’s sake.

Fuck that. I’m with the husband on this one. You need to cut out this putrid passivity—it’s your house, and you’ve made it amply clear that “Lionel” is not welcome. Furthermore, if he’s got arrest warrants out for him, that takes the pressure off of you, because it’s actually illegal for him to be there in a way, so you need make no excuses.

Don’t worry about disappointing your daughter—she’d be much more hurt if he showed up and embarrassed her, and I’m sure she realizes that. Tell him one more time he’s not to come to your house, and if he shows up, you will call The Fuzz to have him carted away. Let’s see if he’s so cocky then.



DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to give a toast at a military dinner party but I do not like or respect the person I am supposed to toast. As the commander of the host group, I am expected to make the toast. I do not feel right about proposing a toast that I do not agree with, but at the same time I feel it would be rude to ask someone else to make the toast. I am at a loss for what I should do. I feel like I am being rude no matter what I do. Should I not make the toast, or should I make the toast and not drink to it, or should I simply ignore my personal feelings and make the toast and deal with it?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

The last one. (Seriously, you’ve been in the military HOW long and you didn’t already know that?)