Peter Pan, Naughty Pictures, and Hot Tea: Unwanted Advice (5/18/09)

DEAR ELLIE: Our son, 30, has never finished any courses he started, works only part time and relies on a modest legacy from his grandmother. His current therapist has told him to distance from us completely, without anyone caring how hurt we feel.

--HEARTSICK MOM

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

It sounds like your son needs to seriously grow up and learn how to follow through. Did you ever encourage him to do that? My guess is not, and it might have turned him into the spoiled little daisy that he is. Most likely, that’s what his therapist is trying to fix, and by distancing from his parents, he’s learning to rely on himself (and the shrink, of course—gotta keep that dependent relationship goin’ so those checks keep floatin’ in!). It’s not forever, just until he learns to pull his shit together.

So quit feeling sorry for yourself and think in terms of your son’s future well-being. (If it makes you feel better, I have to agree that therapists often cause as much peripheral emotional damage as they can to the families of their patients during their “cures.” Maybe that’s their way of trying to drum up more business.)


DEAR MARGO: Is looking at naughty videos on the Internet cheating? I recently caught my boyfriend viewing videos of women on a well-known user-posted video site. These were not pornographic, just scantily clad females performing stripteases, etc. I was very hurt and upset, but he promised he will not do this again, and I believe him. I forgave him and we’re going on with our relationship, but I’m torn about the situation because I know that men are going to look at other women, even when they’re in a relationship, and that it can be "just looking."

The fact that he was actively searching for other women to view, however, bothers me still. Other than this incident, he’s never given me any reason to doubt that he loves me. (And we have an incredibly good sex life.)

—DISTRESSED IN TENNESSEE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

No, looking at naughty videos on the Internet is not cheating. It’s cheating if he starts talking dirty in a chatroom with a buxom 20-year-old named Brandy (even then, the joke will be on him, because that will almost certainly turn out to be a 54-year-old man), but looking at pictures is just looking at pictures. If there’s no sex involved, you need to stop worrying about it.

One more thing: if you truly believe that he won’t do this again, I have some land I’d like to sell you.


DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to serve hot tea in a business meeting? Yes, I sometimes feel more like a waitress than an executive assistant, not that there is a thing in the world wrong with being a waitress. I just don’t feel qualified for that position.

Do I dunk the tea bag and dispose of it before I serve our guest(s)? Do I place the unopened tea bag on the saucer next to the cup of hot water for our guest(s) to open and dunk themselves? Do I place the opened tea bag in the cup of hot water and serve it to our guest, making sure I’ve provided a saucer upon which to dispose of the tea bag? I understand this may be a very unworthy question.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Pour the hot water in their lap and let them dunk their own bag. They’ll never ask you to serve it again.


DEAR AMY: My husband and I have known couples who have elected not to have children. It seems that these couples always replace the children in their lives with a very pleasant lifestyle that includes frequent vacations, nice clothes, fine cars, above-average homes, season tickets to sporting events, plays, concerts.

All to replace the emptiness of an empty nest. This all smacks of the '60s hippie culture through the '70s "me generation."

-- NOT BUYING IT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I’m glad you’re “not buying it,” because we’re “not selling it.” In fact, nobody gives a shit what you think—whether or not people choose to have children is absolutely none of your fucking business. (For your information, it’s not like we’re going to run out of kids anytime soon.)

I’ll tell you one more thing, Mother Goose: I’ll take the emptiness of my “empty nest” over the squalor and shitty diapers that fill yours any day.

Have fun, Mama Bird!