Friday, March 21, 2008

You Just Can't Keep Hogs Away From The Trough Advice Columns

Yep, I'm once again giving out unwanted and unrequested (from me, anyway) advice. It's my small contribution to the world since I refuse to give up meat or plant a tree...



DEAR ELLIE: I'm on the brink of separation from my beloved wife of 35 years. I run a small business and was always home by 9 p.m. Yet my wife accused me or suspected me of being with almost every woman I came across. Partly, it was caused by my mother-in-law, who was hitting on me and creating drama by telling my wife she suspected me with different women.

Things got worse after my wife stopped working four years ago. We fought often regarding her suspicions. She'd then give me the silent treatment for days or even months. It led to my betraying her five times.

My biggest mistake was confessing about those one-night stands; the worst involving a lady employee of mine. I let her go soon after. That was 18 months ago, and my wife's still angry.

After two months of her silence, I moved out to cool things down. Recently she ran into me with a lady I've been seeing since I left home; she's filed for divorce.
I still love her and want to be back together. What should I do? Family therapy hasn't helped. I'm trying to be more romantic toward my wife.



Wow, your wife sure has a lot to answer for! Look at her, all driving you to prove her right and shit! Do you think she’s a psychic?? Would she pick some lottery numbers for me??

Seriously, you have got to be fucking kidding—you were pushed into betraying her? Bullshit. You just betrayed her, period. And the mother-in-law who had the hots for you? Double bullshit—she probably read your number from three miles off and warned your wife about it, so you spitefully decided to make her look bad by saying she was the aggressor—I’m surprised you could even keep a straight face.

I particularly love that you finally moved out to “cool things down,” yet, while you were cooling your jets (and still married, let’s not forget), you started seeing yet another little enchilada. Quite the penile juggler, aren’t you? What exactly were you trying to “cool down?” Not yourself, obviously. And you claim to still be in love with your wife? Un-fucking-believable.

Frankly, if I were your wife, I’d divorce you too…I can’t believe it took her so long. I hope she cleans your clock, mister.

Oh, and the female employee you bonged, then dumped and fired when she became inconvenient? I hope she sues the pants off you.

(Although it doesn’t seem a lawsuit would be necessary—you seem only too eager to shed them.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently turned 40, and because I don't get along with my husband "Ted's" family, I chose to celebrate out of town with my parents and siblings. At the end of my five-day trip, Ted picked me up at the airport and barely greeted me. He waited three days to give me my birthday gift.

When he finally handed me the box, Ted didn't even wait for me to open it. He went off to take a shower. I waited for him to finish, then opened the gift in front of him. Inside was a pair of diamond earrings.

I have never wanted diamond earrings, and I have told him so many times. I had asked Ted for cash so I could buy a new sewing machine. Why diamond earrings?
That night we had a major quarrel, and now I'll never be able to enjoy them. What do I do with them now?



Send them to me. In fact, send the husband to me, too—he deserves someone who appreciates him.

What gives, Queenie? You don’t like your husband’s family (shall we assume the feeling’s mutual?) so you leave him at home for five fucking days and fly out of town, back to Mama’s teat? What message does that send to him about your relationship, when you think it’s OK to ditch him for an entire week? Then make him pick you up at the airport??

You’ve got chutzpah, girlfriend. You’re lucky you got diamonds—I would’ve given you horse turds. If you DO buy that sewing machine, use it on your lips. Or anywhere else appropriate.

DEAR MARGO: I have a very dear friend who's been my roommate for years. She has a good heart and a lot going for her, but when it comes to men and love, she is blind, which may be an understatement.

Recently her boyfriend of six months was arrested for prostitution (that is, patronizing one), and without a blink, she insisted the police had framed him because he would never do anything like that. Even after two officers told us what happened and what was said between the boyfriend and the "working girl," she still refuses to believe it. I tried to point out that this could explain why he never had any money and why he always came here and immediately showered. I am concerned about her health and her way of thinking.

Should I continue to try to steer her away from her "John" or just let everything come to light in its own time? Is there any way I can help her to see the light?



Please tell me you didn’t use the soap after this guy was done with it. If I were you, I’d make sure I kept mine separate. From the roommate, too. “Stupid” may not be catching, but scabies are. And God knows what else this Roadhouse Romeo has picked up from his filles de joie. As far as making your roommate see the light, forget about it—I’d say she needs a brick to fall on her head, but it already has, figuratively speaking, and she still refuses to accept the truth. Some people get what they deserve. Or think they deserve. You do the math. The bottom line is, buy Lysol. Lots of it.

And scrub till your elbows ache.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aaron, you see things from a man's perspective and tell it like it is. I can't keep from adding to the one about the woman who got diamonds and didn't know what to do with them. She claimed she wanted a sewing machine. Instead of Diamonds. Instead of diamonds the woman wanted a sewing machine. No matter how many times I read or repeat it I still don't believe it. Wait how does that song go? "Sewing machines are a girl's best friend?" Please, if he had bought her a house in Tuscany she wouldn't have been happy. Girl, stick those babies where the sun never shines. Ed

12:32 PM  
Blogger Stephen Rader said...

Why aren't you doing this for real? Seriously. Like what Dan Savage used to be in The Reader. I'd friggin' LOVE to see your advice column published. Breath fresh air into this medium, baby!!!

12:56 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Ed: The world is made up of all kinds, I suppose...I almost didn't believe it either. Seriously. I'm sure my jaw woke everybody up when it hit the floor yesterday morning after I read that.

Stephen: Can you imagine the hate mail I'd get over some of these? What fun! :-) Maybe never know when opportunity will arrive at your door (I MUST get a peephole installed).

1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gawd! The weatherman just said it is 30 degrees and snowing in chicago! It is 63 degrees here right now. My Crocus are blooming. I live out on the edge of town so I can hear frogs croaking too. Ed

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What Stephen said.

5:45 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Ed: Yes, it was miserable Friday here in Chicago. Michigan Avenue was a huge mess when I came out of work--fortunately, we got out a little early so I was able to get on a less-crowded bus! Yesterday when I drove down to Peoria it was clear until I got about 20 miles away...then it started snowing, but soon stopped. It did the same thing on the way back home today!

Dirk: You made me feel warm for a whole different reason that time...

6:35 PM  

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