Friday, March 07, 2008

More Advice From the Loveless...

This week, I'm back to give advice to other columnists' mail, shoving my two cents in where it doesn't belong (like the coin-operated washers at the laundromat, which only accept quarters). Enjoy!


DEAR ELLIE: I'm a beautiful, single thirtysomething with a promising career, but unhappy; my evil older cousin, a wealthy entrepreneur, stole and married the handsome Prince Charming, my ex-boyfriend. I've been trying to avoid them for 10 years, but we live just blocks from each other.

Her husband irritates me at family functions with long stares, and saying how beautiful I am in front of everyone. He corners me and tries to hit on me. People say he married her for a comfortable life. How do I deal with it and move forward?

Signed, So Sad

Ellie is always busy asking other people to answer her letters…so Aaron will:

To "deal with it," try "dealing" him a nice, hard knee to the groin. As far as "moving forward," that'll be a lot easier once he collapses in a heap on the floor. And wouldn't it be a shame if you accidentally stepped on his face as you made your way over him? I'm just sayin'. When he stops gasping in pain, you can remind him that he made his bed and now shares it with Cousin Cruella. He'll just have to deal with her toenails gouging him every night. Tough shit.

DEAR AMY: I'm responding to "Mother of the Groom," who couldn't bear the thought of an alcohol-free wedding reception.

My granddaughter got married a few years ago. She and her new husband met in a program for troubled teens, and they got their lives together. Many guests were also graduates of the program.

There was no alcohol served at their reception. I can't tell you how impressed I was by this group and the way they were managing their lives. All are still doing very well.

Signed, Proud Grandma

Amy's busy ironing one of her many gingham pinafores…allow Aaron:

You're so right—no alcohol is necessary for the reception.

Tell 'em to save it for the marriage. They're gonna need it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently went on vacation. He invited his sister to go with us. Every night at dinner, they would reminisce about their childhood -- people they knew and things they did.

I am not from the same hometown as they are. I told my husband it was rude for the two of them to have done that. He feels we have enough "together time" and he did nothing wrong. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- OUTSIDER IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

Abby is busy cutting and frosting her hair again. Aaron says:

Have you seen the film "The House of Yes?" If not, rent it. Watch it. And learn from it.


Anonymous Sarah said...

Nothing makes my heart go pitterpat like a moving story of teenage alcoholics hooking up in rehab and getting married. For a wedding present, I hope grandma gave them a boxful of birth control.

4:07 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

And a gift voucher towards a good marriage counselor...

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was hoping Dear Aaron would answer the letter In Dear Abby from the person who had a "friendly neighbor" who replaced a shrub in her neighbors yard while they were gone and gave tours of their house while they were on vacation and she was supposed to be just watering the plants. They said she even mows her neighbors yards if the grass is taller than she likes. I have a neighbor who would do that and more if I let him. What do you suggest? Ed

5:20 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Dear Ed: I would suggest a restraining order...if that doesn't work, I'd suggest adopting a mountain lion as a pet.

And please install a hidden video camera and send us the results...


2:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I jump his ass for something like shooting dogs in my yard with a pellet gun he says in a low gravelly voice, "I'm an old man" and "There's nothing wrong with that" When he cut my trees because they blocked his view, he said, "I didn't do that". So the camera idea might work. Actually I saw him throwing the limbs he cut over into my neighbors yard. Confronted with this he said, "I'm an old man". He usually doesn't do anything himself but pays some wino to do it for him. Hey, I can pay a guy to do something too. Looking for an extra job, Aaron? Ed

8:59 AM  
Blogger Aaron said...

No, I wouldn't be forgiven by society--I'm not an old man (yet). Although sometimes I do act and feel like one...!

9:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! When I first typed out the above comment and tried to send it Blogger told me it couldn't be done and I should report it to Blogger helper. I even checked back later and still nothing. Now it seems t have been allowed by Blogger. I think that soon Blogger will not allow any anonymous comments to go through. Yours is not the first Blog lately that Blogger has refused to allow me to comment. Just so you know Aaron, if I stop commenting it may well be because Blogger is preventing it. Ed

3:18 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Not to worry, Ed...I was having trouble with Blogger this morning myself--I think it was a system-wide glitch. Also, I don't have my blog set up to refuse anonymous comments, so there shouldn't be any problem there!

7:47 PM  
Blogger BC said...

House of Yes... that'sa funny

9:53 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Yes, Parker Posey was laying the groundwork for her character in "Best In Show," only crazier...

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love forged during group sessions in juvey is almost as dreamy as meeting your future spouse while writing to them on Death Row.

And man on man, do I love me some Parker Posey.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

I do, too! Though not so much in this movie (spoiled dysfunctional rich people make me gag, and are only marginally entertaining these days). Loved her in "Waiting for Guffman," though!

9:56 AM  

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