Friday, June 12, 2009

Unwanted Advice Temporarily on Hiatus

Since I'll be in Milwaukee tonight with The Joans, opening for Cyndi Lauper at the Pridefest show, and I'll be in Peoria next week, helping my uncle put on his new roof. Have a great few weeks! I'll see you again when I get back...

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Geez, You Murder Just ONE Abortion Doctor...

Scott Roeder, the 51-year-old man who "allegedly" shot Dr. George Tiller, an abortion doctor from a Wichita clinic, is unhappy with his current accommodations, and warns that as long as abortion is legal, more violence can be expected.

Watch us all quiver. Well, who WOULDN'T be afraid of a middle-aged crybaby who complains that his cell is too cold, he can't use the phone and he has no access to his sleep apnea machine?

Here's a news flash for you, you gibbering bag of shit: you're a MURDERER ("allegedly" or not--your sly way of not answering any questions smacks of Yolanda Saldizar, that whacko bitch who shot Selena, and everyone could tell she was guilty). Whether you like the law or not, it is a LAW, and that makes you an OUTLAW. And here's a little social studies lesson: in our current post-9/11 culture, being an outlaw does not make you a folk hero, but rather a nuisance.

As a(n "alleged") murderer, you have forfeited your rights to the small creature comforts that the rest of us take for granted. So your room's cold and sheets are rough. Hard cheese. But cheer up: you'll still get free meals and and room and board. You'll be doing better than many law-abiding, tax-paying citizens who suddenly found themselves homeless. As long as you don't mind doing a little laundry, making a few license plates, or giving blow jobs when you can't afford to buy cigarettes to give away, why, you have the world on a platter.

As far as the absence of your CPAP machine, you'll just have to improvise: just shove something into your mouth to keep the airway open. I'm sure you have a bunkmate who'd be only too happy to oblige...

Friday, June 05, 2009

Unwanted Advice - June 5, 2009

DEAR AMY: Unbeknownst to us, our 23-year-old daughter ran up a large credit card debt in her last year of college, which she attended on an athletic scholarship.

Perhaps to take advantage of some graduation gifts involving travel, she told us she had graduated from college. She had not. She then asked to move back home, and we said yes, on the condition that she get a job and contribute her share of the expenses.She stayed for seven months, making no visible effort to find work, meanwhile going out to clubs at night and even spending a weekend in Vegas.

Still, no diploma.

Announcing that she had a job as a professional athlete in Europe, she went abroad and almost immediately asked us to wire her money as an emergency, because her contract was "delayed."
After two months of this, we decided not to send any more money, because we were contributing to a situation that left us feeling hurt and used. We are close to retirement and need to save our money.

In spite of our help with some payments, she has made no effort to pay off her debts, which have accrued penalties and been turned over to collection agencies that call us almost daily.

We have not heard from our daughter since, but I expect that one day she will surface again, wanting to move home to "get back on her feet."

How do we say no?



Quickly and concisely. An announcement on your answering machine would be a good idea.

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who has been with my partner for 31 years. I have a female friend, "Josie," whom I have known for years. She holds an executive position in the local bank and must attend many fund-raisers. I have been her escort to many of them. Josie knows and likes my partner, and he has never had a problem with my going to these social events with her.

Recently Josie became engaged, and she is now married. I was invited to the wedding, but my partner was not included on the invitation. I chose not to attend because of it. I have not heard from her since. It has been almost four months.

Josie's husband is a retired military man. I suspect she would rather not let him know about having a gay male couple as friends. Should I confront her or just end the friendship?



I would just let it drop, but consider the friendship ended. Don’t you find it a little galling that she saw fit to use you as arm candy for decades, knowing all the while that you had a partner at home? Then, when she no longer needed that service, she issued a half-assed wedding invitation that excluded your significant other?? Boy, that puts the “hag” back in “fag hag.”

It also shows that she clearly doesn’t understand what “partnership” is all about, so I hope G.I. Joe knows what he’s in for.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have one relative and one dear friend who each insist on knowing where I was or what I was doing when I fail to answer their telephone calls, whether it be at home or on my cellular device. Often times I am simply trying to complete a task, such as balancing my checkbook or checking out at the grocery store, before engaging in a telephone conversation.

Sometimes I simply do not wish to share my personal information and am looking for a polite response that does not accommodate their need to know every detail about my life.

The dear friend is a bit pushier than my relative and will try to goad me into giving her the information as to my whereabouts when I missed her call. I am well into my 40s, with my own career and home, and I don't think I owe folks a minute-by-minute detail of my day, if I am simply unavailable once in awhile.

Please help me with a polite way to let them know that not all of my business is their business.


If “none of your goddamned business” seems too harsh, I urge you to re-read the following phrase from your own letter: “I am well into my 40s, with my own career and home, and I don't think I owe folks a minute-by-minute detail of my day.”

Bingo! There’s your answer, verbatim.

And don’t worry about offending your “dear friend”—if she’s so “dear,” you owe her the encouragement to get her own life and spend less time worrying about yours.

DEAR ELLIE: My mother-in-law is very critical of me and doesn't see it. She says I'm overly sensitive. We haven't spoken since November. On more than one occasion she's referred to me as "just the daughter-in-law." My husband (we're married four years) takes our son there to visit, but I fear as he gets older things may only get worse. We need a solution now.

We've tried talking to her twice, and once without me there, but no luck. She refused to take responsibility for her hurtful actions.



Actually, you’ve solved half the problem by not talking to her since November. There’s nothing more you can do except withhold the grandchild. It sounds drastic and spiteful, perhaps, but what kid wants to hear his mother run down by his grandmother? It starts to show the kid just what a rotten person she really is—very disillusioning for a child.

Tell your husband that since she refuses to change, and you don’t want your kid exposed to that sort of toxicity, the visits will cease. She will most likely tell the world that her “awful” daughter-in-law is keeping her grandchild away, but the world will know that’s your prerogative. Besides, if she’s like that with you, she’s most likely that way with other people too, so she’s unlikely to gain much sympathy.

If Marshmallow Tits* confronts you about it, tell her that it’s for her own good as well as the child’s: does she want her grandson to end up hating her?

*Try calling her that and see if she gets upset. Then you can tell her SHE’S “overly sensitive.

DEAR MARGO: I have somewhat of a potbelly that makes me look like I’m about three months pregnant. I’m not pregnant, never have been and never will be (at least not for a few years anyway). Some people, mostly family, keep asking if I am pregnant. It’s embarrassing and annoying. While I’m not always happy with my figure, I’m comfortable enough with it. Is there anything I can do to stop getting asked this?



Say, “No, I’m not. Are you?”