Reunion Recap #1

So this weekend, I went down to my hometown for a reunion. It wasn't my high school reunion (that's next month), but it was my cousin's, who's my age. We went to grade school together, and she said I should come down and see everyone from that crowd.

It was a Catholic grade school, and there were only about 25 of us in the class. We were pretty close. Maybe six of us were at this particular gathering on Friday night. The rest were people from their high school, which was much larger than the one I ended up going to, so I didn't know many of them. I was amazed at how many people from grade school remembered me--seeing as how I'd left there in 1980 and all. It was fun, and I hope I get to see them again. Of course, we don't have the penguins breathing down our necks anymore, so everyone's a lot more relaxed.

I noticed I was the only guy with an earring, though...and there was a LOT of Tim McGraw on the jukebox. So it wasn't the ideal location to scout for dates...

High school was a lot more traumatic. That reunion is coming up in about three weeks, so I'm sure I'll have LOTS more to write about that one...

Use Sulphur to Combat Global Warming?

This looked like a promising idea to help combat climate change. And frankly, I'd be willing to put up with a slight burned match/fart smell in the air if it means I don't have to melt every summer. It's not like most of my building doesn't already smell like that anyway...

Hey, give a little, take a little!

Just Look at the Headline

That's all I'll say right now:

Guess they REALLY don't like Public Display of Affection!

Things That Make Me Say "Oh, PUH-LEEEEZE!"

I found this little tidbit today in the news. Fu Xiancai, an activist in China, was protesting the Chinese government's paltry compensation of residents who were forced to relocate from the Three Gorges Dam area--an "eminent domain" situation, it would seem. The government responded by hauling him to the police, where they "criticized" his statements, and sealed the deal by having him beaten* as he left the police station, resulting in a broken neck. *Oh, of course there's no proof that the government was responsible. In fact, their investigation concluded that he broke his own neck. Yep, that's right. His own neck.

How, exactly, does that work? Did he run really fast into a window frame at neck level? Did he beat himself really hard on the neck with his own fist? How does one break one's own neck? Give me a break.

The other morsel that perked up my cynical salivary glands was Bush's speech to the NAACP, the group that he's patently ignored for the last six years, after they implied that he supported the truck-dragging murder of a black man in Texas by two white men (apparently, he bristled at the suggestion that he would support such an unsophisticated murder method, since he clearly prefers state-sanctioned execution and ill-conceived wars as his murder weapons of choice).

But Bushie decided to bury the hatchet, just in time to get African Americans' support during the mid-term elections this year--er--I mean, to right some old wrongs. Yeah, that's it. He signed an extension of the Voting Rights Act, which guarantees that African Americans will have the right to vote for another 40 years (why is there a time limit at all? Why isn't it just permanent?!**). In signing the document, Bush declared that "Congress has reaffirmed its belief that all men are created equal."

Sure. Equal. Unless they're poor. And fighting age. Then, somehow they'll find their way to the front of the front lines, won't they?

Please. I'll believe in equality once Jenna and Babs, Jr. suit up and start basic training. Or when Big Babs camps out on a cot for a few weeks. Preferably in the Astrodome. (It would "work out very well" for her, don't you think?)

** OK, my bad. I've since discovered that most of the VRA is permanent, with the exception of 3 clauses that were set to expire in August. That's what he was renewing. However, he's still insincere and slimy. That hasn't changed. Oh, well.

Steel-ing a Name?

OK, I have to start off by saying that I'm a big, HUGE Steely Dan fan. I have been since I was 10 years old and heard "Peg" for the first time. (I'd also heard "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" years earlier, but didn't know it was Steely Dan.) I love their fusion funk-jazz, their esoteric, wry take on the pitfalls of urban life and the way they weave it together with tons of humor. Even violence is classy in a Steely Dan song.

That said, I think they've had just a little too much doobie lately. Apparently, they are upset with Owen Wilson because his title character in the new probable flop "You Me and Dupree" bears too much resemblance to the protagonist of their 2000 Grammy winner "Cousin Dupree."

I've checked the lyrics of the song. Yes, it's about an annoying loser who crashes on his aunt's couch and develops the hots for his young cousin. I've not seen the movie, but I do know it's about a guy who ends up crashing on his newlywed friends' couch and making a pest of himself. Yes, pretty similar.

But let's think about this plot device, shall we? In just about every sitcom ever produced, there's at least one episode about one of the characters falling into the dog house and ending up having to spend a few nights on a buddy's couch before getting back into grace. And how many movies have you seen where this happens? Not such an original plot device.

Apparently, the Dans are really only upset about the use of the name "Dupree." And they want an apology from Owen Wilson. (Why Wilson? Why not Mike LeSieur, who wrote the film?)

This bodes ill for every poor kid who's had a bullfrog named Jeremiah, or a dog named Boo (or Patches, come to that), and even for me for once having a goldfish named Nilsson. (Don't ask.)

Here's the statement that Wilson's publicist should issue Steely Dan:

"Sure, I'll apologize for using the name 'Dupree.' Right after you apologize to William Burroughs' estate for stealing the name of his dildo."

I think the Dans are just bored. Hopefully, they'll drop this crap soon and do what they do best, which is making more great music.

Hatching a Plan

So "Survivor" winner Richard Hatch will be going to jail for refusing to pay taxes on his $1 million "Survivor" winnings.

He got 51 months. Wow. That's even longer than queen of mean Leona Helmsley ended up serving!

What really gave me a chuckle was his lawyer's stating that Richard "would prefer" to serve his sentence near family in Rhode Island or Florida. I recall that same "preference" being voiced by the aforementioned, vagina-lipped Leona back when she was sentenced in 1989.

Hello?! It's prison, folks! You're not there to feel comfortable, and it's not about making you happy or accommodating you. You're there to pay a debt to society, not the other way around. So be careful where you bend over, now.

Of course, with all of that time Richard spent on the island, he could easily improvise a weapon to overpower the guards and live on berries and insects indefinitely once he breaks out of prison.

Adam and Steve Prevail

Right-wing idiots lose again. The House defeated the anti-gay Federal Marriage Amendment, which would make it illegal for same-sex couples to marry (but not, if the amendment's backers are any indication, for siblings to marry).

I originally used a Fox News link on this post, because I just know how much it must have killed those sons of bitches to have to write that. Then I discovered that the story was from October of 2004! Which proves that they can't even update their stories in their search engine. And WE'RE the cause of the nation's problems? Of course...Johnny can't read--even a calendar. So rather than blame his heterosexual parents for feeding him cookies and cartoons, let's blame the teachers for not teaching him enough and the gays for--uh--well, let's just blame them. It's safe!

I love Roscoe Bartlett's quote from the 2004 story: "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Now, where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah--EVERY SINGLE unoriginal, intellectually indifferent Christian conservative I've ever come across. It's nice to know they keep their material so fresh.

At first, I was dismayed that it won even majority support (236 in favor, 187 opposed). Then, I realized that with the House and Senate so heavily Republican, these numbers are actually a ringing failure to them. And there's that pesky two-thirds vote thing. "Gosh darn that political system! Guess we'll have to hunker down with Tom DeLay (WAAAAYYY down so we can look him in the eye) and find out how to rig that thar system in our favor again! We've already shot our load in Texas. Let's start working on Ohiah!" And off they go, in a cloud of dust, a squeal of monster truck tires, a chorus of "yee-has" and a cacophony of banjo music.

The bright side is that Bush himself is so taken with this amendment, and he and his supporters keep pushing for it. Judging by his poll numbers these days, that can only be good news for us, since everything he touches turns to a steaming pile of shit.

And I thought I was desperate!

I wonder how many 911 abuses are committed every day that we don't know about? I'm glad that "cutie pie" came back and slapped some cuffs on her.

On second thought, maybe that turned her on:

Send "cutie pie" back