Thinner! But Still Crazy, Annoying and Clueless...

Courtney Love's lost 44 pounds. Good for her! She's getting rid of her size 8 clothes, because, she says, "I ain't going back."

(Ooooh, sure you will Courtney. We've ALL said that. Save at least a few of those clothes.)

Apparently, all you have to do is take yoga and adapt a macrobiotic diet. The cocaine probably helps, too.

She goes on to say that one "can't be too rich or too thin." Too rich, well she's probably right, although I think extreme wealth would create more problems for me than I currently have--no lie. It's all right for some, though. But I think you can be too thin. (Amy Winehouse and Madonna spring to mind.)

I do sort of respect Courtney Love, because she just says what's on her mind, and I think we need people like that. However, I think the mind should be fully engaged so the thoughts can fully percolate. And definitely before Mrs. Mouth opens up and lets those thoughts escape.

The Prez Sez:

I shouldn'ta ate at the Walter Reed cafeteria. Oooooooohhh...

No Interesting Title Today--I'm Too Tired To Think Of A Clever Pun, So Get Over It.

I had the bitch of a day yesterday...work sucked, I was tired and cranky, people seemed to get a rise out of needling me (they will earn disfigurement for that), and to top it off, my mom called last night to say that the latest medicine they have her on (aromicin?) is not working. So now they've put her on something else that requires injections twice a month. They're not optimistic that this will work, either, but it might, so they're using it. Apparently, it is working for my cousin Mary Ann, but hers is a different (and more aggressive) form of cancer. If this doesn't work, they will put her on some form of chemotherapy. Which probably will work, at least in some way, but will also make her pretty sick, and after she went through that 12 years ago, I'd hate to see her have to go through it again.

But she's not upset by this, because as the doctor told her, there's always something else to try. Mom's determined to try everything she can to fight it, and she's pretty tough. (I like to think I'm like her that way, but I'm far more impatient.)

Afterwards, she and I talked about other stuff, vented to each other about work (it's amazing how much I cuss in front of my mom--and vice versa!), and when she asked what else is new, I told her "same old same old." My life is pretty mundane and uninteresting, really. I try to absorb some of the fabulousness of my friends' lives, but that "osmosis" thing doesn't really work all that well. And I'm too mistrustful of people in general to go out and be more social. Everybody seems to want something from you, you know what I mean? I think I'm developing some sort of social anxiety disorder. I find myself getting annoyed at the stupidest things these days. I might just be overwhelmed--this has happened before.

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Towards the end of mom's and my conversation, I told her about the "Maude" DVD. I'll take to to her house next time I visit (probably mid-May). I've been watching it the last couple of nights. I've been waiting for 15 years to see this show again, and watching it again has been a real eye-opener for me. The first couple of episodes are pretty lame. The interplay between Bea, Bill Macy and Adrienne Barbeau seems very contrived and forced. It does correspond to "All in The Family" since you have the stubborn, crusty protagonist (Maude/Archie), the flummoxed spouse (Edith/Walter), and the hip adult offspring unit who lives at home(Gloria/Meathead/Carol). However, Archie was such a racist buffoon it was easy to laugh at him. Maude is harder to laugh at because she's an arch liberal whose sort of out of touch with reality--she's in love with the idea of equality and racial harmony, without understanding what that really entails. I think that hits a little close to home for some of us who have found our liberalism well-intentioned but misguided over the years. (And of course the alternative, straight-up conservatism, is unthinkable for me. And there seems to be no middle ground for most people I know. They're die-hard PC, except when it comes to the overweight, and relentlessly happy with the influx of diversity, even to the dilution of themselves.) So it kind of reminds me of the "rock and hard place" position I'm in.

However, when African American maid Florida Evans arrives in episode three (back then, they just said "black maid"), things start to crackle nicely. Florida is just the good-natured, no-nonsense foil that Maude needs. She sets Maude straight on lots of her misconceptions about making her one of the family ("I already got a family"), considering Maude's home to be her own ("I already got a home") and the idea of using the front door, because the back is too servile ("The back door is easier to bring the groceries in"). In the end, they've established some common ground, but you sense that the relationship will evolve over time, and of course it did.

I also love the fact that, unlike other early 70s sitcoms, "Maude" didn't have the depressingly dark decor of other sets. Her house isn't filled with dark brown panelling and ugly orange fixtures (except for one orange counter in the kitchen). Her woodwork is beautifully kept and her walls are covered with a beautiful silvery-blue velvet flocked paper. Hardly any burnt sienna or drab avocado green to be found anywhere like "All In The Family." I guess that's the difference between Queens and Westchester County.

I haven't gotten to the first episode with Rue McClanahan yet (the two-parter in which Maude discovers she's pregnant), but I'm looking forward to it. I was four when it was on the first time, and they didn't rerun that one often (the seasons I remember were the end of season two, just before Florida left, and the Mrs. Naugatuck era).

I know they're only planning on releasing one or two seasons, but I hope I at least get to see some of season three in some form. I loved me some Mrs. Naugatuck!

Knut the Cute

The adorable polar bear cub shown above, named Knut, was born at the Berlin Zoo in December 2006. His mother abandoned both him and his brother, and the brother died. The zoo intervened to save Knut and has been bottle-feeding him and raising him by hand.

Some asshole animal rights activist (I'm sorry, but is there really any other kind?) started spouting off about how Knut should be killed. This activist, Frank Albrecht (his resume was not attached to the article and no professional affiliation was mentioned, so I have no idea what qualifications he has--besides, perhaps, being smelly and unwashed?) said that the zoo should not interfere with nature, and that by raising the cub in a human environment, they were ill-preparing him for living in the wild. Well, gee, dumbass, how many zoo animals do you know actually go back into the wild? Use your head, numb-nuts!

Once the shit hit the fan, Albrecht backed down from his statement, saying that since Knut's been cared for by the zoo, it would be inhumane to kill him, but that if this were to happen again, they should allow the cub to die.

This guy should join PETA--they have about the same basic regard for animal life. Besides, it's heartening to me to know that there's still a human impulse somewhere, somehow to preserve life and care about it. That's rare enough these days. If it offends Frank Albrecht so much, maybe someone should refuse to care for him if he ever gets sick or abandoned.

Actually, he could come to America and live as a gay man. That should be about the equivalent.

Monkey Love

A story in the Trib today tells about Knuckles, a chimp in a Florida zoo who has cerebral palsy. Researchers are astounded that the other chimps are so gentle with Knuckles, whose arm is paralyzed and who can't move as fast as the others. Where one would have expected the "law of the jungle," with the other males biting and brutalizing him to set an example, they are very gentle with him and groom and care for him.

Which proves what I began suspecting years ago: even chimps are nicer than we are now.

Bush's Message To America

So what are we going to do about it?

Clearly, he has nothing left to lose--he can't be elected again, and even if he could, he'd engineer another stale hijack of the electoral vote, just like in 2000 and 2004 (clearly, he was raised on reruns). What can be done about his apathy?

Not much, apparently. Anyone who watches closely will notice that Bushie is a figure-head, window dressing for the interests of the far right, who, now that he's securely in office and has given them the necessary tax breaks, are running rampant like mice in an abandoned Taco Bell. Our only hope, really, is that these shit-stains eventually become arrogant enough to hang themselves. The Fall of Rome and all that, don'tcha know...?

I'm encouraged by the Democrats' and even Republicans' determination to investigate the firings of the federal prosecutors. I've heard some columnists talk about what a big deal it isn't, since there are thousands of federal prosecutors, and only less than 100 were dismissed. I don't care. It's bullshit to accept that the firings were not politically motivated, especially since they arose from then-White House Counsel Harriet Miers's suggestion that "new blood" was needed. If so, why not a bigger house cleaning? Seems like they only targeted the folks whose politics were a problem for Bush. Of course, we've heard the "pleasure of the President" argument from Tony Snow a little more often lately--you know, the one that says these prosecutors "serve at the pleasure of the President." And that, I suppose, is the verbal equivalent of the picture shown above.

Which brings up the earlier question: what are we going to do about it? Who do we complain to when nobody listens?

As my friends would say, "Who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?"

Life Just Became A Little Rosier...

Here's why. After years and years of waiting, it's finally arrived...



Yes, that's right. "Maude," the complete first season, is now on DVD! Well, for pre-order anyway. I ordered mine tonight from Amazon. It says that the estimated shipping date is tomorrow, which I don't think will happen, since it's a "pre-order" item. (That means they don't have it yet, but expect it in shortly.)

But it's enough to know that I WILL receive it. Yes! Finally I get to see it all over again! The show that turned me gay! (Well, at least it confirmed it.)

Georgie--On The Sauce Again?

I saw this this morning on Lady Bunny's blog, which I visit regularly. At first I thought it was a joke, like Andy Borowitz, or "The Onion," but it appears to be on the level (or at least the blogger has a source that says it's true). Could it be? The Bush marriage on the rocks? Along with whatever George is guzzling?

"Waynemadsenreport.com on Bush via VIRTUALMATTER.BLOGSPOT

March 13, 2007 --Our White House Press Corps sources report further disturbing news about President George W. Bush. Our sources have witnessed a clearly inebriated Bush approaching members of the press corps and making rude comments, including one particularly crude remark about First Lady Laura Bush. In that case, Bush, nodding toward Laura, called her a "c**t." While Bush's drinking is no secret to the White House press contingent, that particular comment was reportedly the worst they have heard uttered by Bush. Our sources also report that Laura Bush's stays at the White House are less frequent and that her overnight trips to the Mayflower Hotel often coincide with the president's drunken binges."

Could it be? The Bush marriage on the rocks? Along with whatever George is guzzling?

Oh well, each administration leaves its mark. The Kennedys gave us Camelot. The Bushes gave us Spamalot (oh, and a crushing burden of debt that will keep our descendants weighted down for generations to come. Forgot that part).

But the most important legacy of the Bush's Spamalot era will probably be some DVD full of retrospectively cute, folksy sound bites that some clever marketer in Sherman Oaks, CA can compile from the recorded footage of Bush's hundreds of verbal gaffes and sell to simple-minded elderly conservatives in about eight years, in much the same way they did for Ronald Reagan and then hawked on late-night TV during the late 80s, after he was out of office, and the sweet bloom of nostalgia had settled in (along with the cloggage in their arteries).

I'll be putting my advance order in shortly. How about you?

In the meantime, I'll be wondering when Laura's next trip to the Mayflower Hotel will be. In fact, I wonder if she even uses her own name during these visits. People might get suspicious after a while. So let's invent a name for her to use from now on (at least until she gets smart, divorces the bastard, and buys a house with a security guard to keep his drunken, crooning ass out while he sings to her upstairs window, a la George Gaines in "Tootsie").

I'll go first: how about "Flozella Butts"? It doesn't have any significance, other than that I thought of that name the very first time I saw her, and thought it suited her down to the ground (and certainly better than the track suit she appeared to be wearing at the time).

It's all out to you now, folks. Ideas? Suggestions? The First Lady is counting on you--as well as that secret midnight visit from Karl Rove at the Daisy Chain Hotel (or Midgefly Hotel, or whatever the hell it is).

One Less Bell To Answer...

Tonight there was a meeting of my condo association. We've been getting e-mails on it for the last three weeks, reminding us of the time and location.

"Main Lobby, 7:00 PM
Come find out the latest happenings and let us know what you'd like to see around the building. Cookies and snacks will be provided. We hope to have a really productive meeting!"

I didn't go. And you wanna know why?

Because I DIDN'T HAVE TO. That's right! I'm free to skip all the association meetings I please from now on. One less obligation on my crowded plate. One less place I simply HAVE to be along with the 100 others. That's a big deal for me.

Why, you ask? Because for 2 years, I was the recording secretary of the association board, taking minutes at every meeting, getting every stupid e-mail that every resident sent out, realizing that these people still think they live in apartments and we're their landlords, and on-call 24 hours for everything that goes wrong, from their can openers to their toilets. They thought we were convenient Mr. Fix-Its, right on the premises.

Also, our first association president, Kitty, was a Type-A wacko who would call meetings every Sunday with 5 minutes notice because "WE GOT LOT OF WORK TO DO" (imagine it shrieked in a Chinese-American dialect, and you get the picture). Sometimes, I'd tell her I was going to be out of town, then be checking my cell phone at my mom's and have a message: "AARON, WE HAVE MEETING TOMORROW 11:00!" I'd have to call back and remind her I was gone, barely restraining myself from adding, "Don't you listen, you crazy bitch?"

She would send out rudely worded e-mails to people when they questioned anything she said, too. She actually called people "morons"--no kidding--and when we reminded her that this could get us in a lot of trouble (somebody could sue us for slander), she would reply, "I WILL NOT CENSOR MYSELF! THESE PEOPLE NEED TO SEE REALITIES THAT MUST BE FACED IN COMMUNAL LIVING!!" Yeah, "communal," not "communist."

Kitty finally quit in a huff and a cloud of sulphur in January 2005 because the residents were getting tired of her snotty e-mails. Actually, it went down like this: one of the residents called a meeting (having taken a 2/3 vote, which constitutes a quorum) and explained how the place didn't feel like a home when you have such a hostile neighbor. This resident was not the smartest person on earth (or the most trustworthy), but she had a point on the hostility factor. Kitty, of course, missed that point since she refused to attend the meeting. However, three of us on the board decided to attend and hear them out, making it clear that we were not making official decisions as a board, but would relay messages to Kitty.

Boy, did Kitty flip out. She was a pissed Kitty! She accused us of trying to usurp her authority and proceeded to call us out in the same language she used on the other residents. I finally told her enough is enough, and the other members followed suit. She lay very low for about a week, and the following Friday, we all awoke to find copies of her resignation shoved under our doors. It was for the best, really. We never saw her after that--she and her henpecked husband rented out their unit and moved to Edgewater. No more awkward encounters. Life was much sweeter--and a little quieter.

Our presidents since then have been very good, but being on the board was still like being the Big Bad Man, since we had to make unpopular decisions at times. I'm not interested in power trips. I only joined the board because they nominated me, voted me in, and I knew nobody else would do it. I tried to quit in Sept. 2005 (halfway through my term), but nobody would take over. My term was up this past October, and an iron maiden and a pair of stocks could not have made me stay. I don't miss it one bit, and I stayed in tonight while the meeting went on downstairs.

And it may have been my (admittedly) fertile imagination, but I could have sworn I heard angry raised voices.

And that was WITH cookies.

Once Again, The Lackeys Take One Up the Hoo-Hoo

In a ringing peal of justice's sweet, clear, silver bells, retribution is finally being meted out over the firing of eight U.S. prosecutors last year.

The Justice Department shows us how they earn that name by placing blame where it belongs and firing Alberto Gonzales ('s assistant).

Oops. Our bad.

They insist, however, that the firings were not politically-motivated. Of course they weren't. And those are Harriet Miers real eyelids, aren't they?

The story says that it was Miers who first questioned whether the White House shouldn't fire all prosecutors, not just the eight, saying it was time for "fresh blood."

Why, Harriet? Ya thirsty?

Oh well, I guess there won't be any justice any time soon. At least we don't have to look at Harriet Miers anymore.

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In other news, General Peter Pace stands by his remarks made to the editorial board of the Chicago Tribune yesterday, in which he commented that homosexuality is immoral. He says he bases his remarks on his "upbringing." For the lay person, that means it's personal, and not supposed to reflect official policy. What a shame it DOES reflect the military's official "no ask, no tell" policy, and that he said it to a major news outlet.

He's welcome to his opinion. However, he is NOT welcome to inject personal arguments and beliefs into a policy discussion. I'm sure he just made friends of millions of bigoted neo-conservatives who will, ironically, masturbate to his picture online.

FIENDS--a Sitcom Concept

Chris Stein, Blondie guitarist and musical genius, posted this as a bulletin on MySpace a few weeks back. I'd meant to post it here then, but I got distracted!

This is a concept theme song for a parody of "Friends" with a principal cast of sadistic vampires. Worth watching for the parody actress names alone.

(Also, there appears to be a bit of exhibitionism at one point, which I shan't give away...you'll have to watch for yourselves. You dirty bitches! :-))

If It's Good Enough For Michael Jackson...

Not to be outdone by the King of Pop-cum-afterschool special-cum tabloid cover tragedy, the Halliburton company announces that it's moving its headquarters to Dubai.

If you ever needed any more proof that Cheney and his band of Viagra-addicted, alcoholic number-crunching compadres are only interested in their own bottom lines, this should do it. Not that we needed any more proof that these people are scumbags. The last seven years have been enough to scrape the scales from even the stubbornest of eyes.

"But, Aaron," I hear you saying, "Dick Cheney retired from Halliburton years ago." Don't be naive, darlings. When high-level executives leave a company, they got stock. Lots of it. And usually a seat on The Board. (You know what The Board is, don't you? That bunch of stuffy, grumpy, sexually frustrated old men in three-piece suits who sit in oak-tabled conference rooms and make split-second decisions that adversely affect the future of whatever company they "direct?" Yeah, them.) Cheney was tailor-made for the role (or should we say "reanimated in some basement lab in Austria" for the role).

Nevertheless, it's galling to hear these people spout off about their love for America and its people and talk about building our economy, then turn around and pull this shit. It's exactly what everyone expects, anyway, so why don't they give their PR people and their spin doctors a few days off and just cut the bullshit.

Oh, and then I read this story today in which Cheney accuses the Democrat critics of Bush's troop buildup plan of "undermining the troops." Now--given everything we've seen and read about Dick Cheney, do you really think he gives a shit about the troops in Iraq? Really? In your deepest li'l heart of hearts?

Didn't think so.

Most likely, he's concerned for the bottom line of Halliburton, the proud holder of all no-bid contracts for the "reconstruction" of battle zones for the last four years or so. More troops don't only mean more support for the existing soldiers (although 8,000 isn't enough--80,000 wouldn't be)-- it also means more supplies and services that Halliburton can provide. And collect payment for.

I don't want to hear these nasty, overstaying-their-welcome-on-this-green-earth bunch of hypocrites spew out their jingoistic jibberish anymore. It's clearly as empty as their sperm count. They should ALL just brazen it out and go on vacation, like President Bush does. It makes me angry--very angry--that these dessicated toads will live the rest of their lives in wealth and comfort for their plunders, while my mother has to worry every month about whether her insurance will cover her scans and cancer medicine.

Ri-goddamn-diculous.

Sometimes the Cavity Searches Don't Catch Everything...

This could have come from the deleted scenes of "Oz."

The character of the burglar would be played by Hank Azaria, of course.

Knocking on Obsolescence's Door...

Okay, if this story is true, then I'm not the only person in the world who is stuck in a bygone era of pop culture to the exclusion of all things modern.

The Pope is worried about Bob Dylan? I mean, come on: Bob Dylan? Why? What intifada is the former Mr. Zimmerman plotting against the Vatican hierarchy? Please tell me this is a joke. False prophet? For what--singing anti-war songs? Who else is on the official Hitlerpope's Short List of Undesirables? Joni Mitchell? Melanie? Crosby Stills and Nash? Let's not forget Smokey the Bear, or that papier mache owl from the "Give A Hoot, Don't Pollute" commercial. Subversive tree huggers...

I notice not a word has been said about the cooter-flashing, head-shaving Britney, or the talentless Madonna and Jessica Simpson.

Or perhaps those names are yet to come. Maybe the list has a second and third edition and beyond--like "The Joy of Cooking."

What's Important In A Leader?

I'm devoting this post to the two men who are, to date, the strongest contenders for the Democratic and Republican Presidential nominations. What are their strengths and liabilities?


BARACK OBAMA

(AP photo by Manuel Balce Ceneta.)

Barack Obama. My God, look at him. He's magnificent. He's bright, articulate (sorry to keep using that word to refer to him, but after six years of a President who can't string two words together, it's real noticeable), handsome, and a devoted family man, who doesn't make a vulgar, pseudo-sentimental spectacle of his family. I get the feeling that he's very respectful of their privacy in a way that George Bush hasn't been with his Twin Towers of Terror (of course, those crazy bitches practically throw themselves at paparazzi, so whattya gonna do?).

However, we now have a question of some investments--companies run by, or affiliated with, his campaign contributors, we're told. Tricky stuff. This is the kind of thing that had Martha Stewart weaving raffia baskets at Camp Cupcake. There's also that land deal thing (but the Clintons had something similar, and even the Republicans' creepy clone lawyer, Kenneth Starr, couldn't find anything illegal).

Then there is the matter of some unpaid parking tickets while he was at Harvard. He never paid them, apparently. There were 17 tickets in all. Over the course of two or three years, however, in a place like Cambridge, MA, that's not very many (I once got two within a week here). And he's now paid them off in full. Sure, he should have paid them at the time, but I'll bet a law student spends most of his money on tuition and textbooks and doesn't have a lot left over. Whatever his reasons for not paying, isn't it strange that it never came up during his Senate run? (Or could it be that nobody wanted Alan Keyes, so they were willing to overlook it?)

Also, he smokes. Well so do I sometimes (less than before, thankfully), and so do many of my friends. But we're not running for President. Apparently, Presidential hopefuls are not allowed to have any bad habits at all--well, except stupidity, apparently. (Although I understand that Laura Bush still secretly smokes sometimes. And she's a moocher--the worst kind of ex-smoker. Not enough for them to reproach you with their newly-found good health, they cost you money, too. At least Obama smokes his own.)


YEAH...THIS GUY

(Photo swiped from AOL main page. Almost not worth it, I'd say.)

Well, we've had a leader who IS a joke...we've had several who could TELL them...is it time for one who can PARTICIPATE in the joke (as something other than the butt, that is)?

Frankly, I think leadership skills are important. And Rudy is certainly commanding as a leader. However, leadership skills are important all the time. NOT just directly after a major crisis, when it's time to sling rhetoric and reassure the citizens with a pleasing stream of verbal urine. And leadership skills are more than just having the proverbial cojones. It's important in a leader that they are open to all ideas, even those that they may not agree with, and not be so stubborn that they refuse to switch course when they sense that the current one will lead to disaster. Not that we'd know what that's like, of course...

Everything I've seen and read about Giuliani leads me to think he'd be a frightening President...temperamental, egotistical, unyielding and, yes, stubborn. And what can you think of a man who dumps his wife by press conference? And whose children won't speak to him? (Either of them.)

With so many potentially problematic character issues, Rudy's an absolute SHOO-in for the Republican nomination. He is decisive, to be sure. He shops well for his dentures, loves his city (let's hope he loves ALL cities, since he'd be governing them all, and fairness is important), and manages to get people on his side.

And apparently, he could stand in for Gwen Stefani, should she ever become dangerously involved in a case of international intrigue and espionage, placing her life at risk and requiring a body double.

I'll bet he does a mean Carol Channing, too.

Scooter Guilty; Cheney "Disappointed"

I laughed out loud when I read this morning that Dick Cheney was "saddened and disappointed." I, too, was disappointed--that he's still breathing. But I digress.

I wondered what Cheney was disappointed about--that Libby did what he did (doubtful, since Cheney knew damned well he was doing it), that he got caught, or that the jury found him guilty? Or, on a totally unrelated topic, that his daughter still prefers pie to cake?

However, my guess is, it's a combination of numbers two and three. This administration has become the living embodiment of the saying "nothing is wrong until you get caught." There's no right or wrong to these people--only punishment and reward. What a terrible example these people have set for the next generation (who are already cynical and disrespectful enough). And these bastards have the nerve to wave the flag after they've sullied it so? The Christian right dares to invoke God after they've supported these parasites for the last seven years? What a joke--what a sick satire it's all become.

And now the question comes up--will Bush pardon Libby?

Are you kidding? The question should be--"how fast?"